My dearest spirit friend is Michael.  Yesterday I was walking on a woods trail and listening to random music on my Ipod.  With my third eye I saw Michael run to me and take my hand.  As usual he had a huge smile on his face.  Then my earth Ipod began playing his song, “Keep the Faith”.   “Don’t let nobody take you down.  Keep your eyes on the prize and your feet flat on the ground…………It’s just a matter of time before your confidence will win out……..I know that keepin’ the faith means never givin’ up on love, but the power that love has to make it right makes it makes it right…..  What was he saying to me?  I have one dream.  I have been dreaming it with everything in me for many years now.  I love, but I have never been loved (except by beautiful kind Michael).  I walk around always in a deep state of confusion.  All I know is that Michael told me to keep the faith.

As usual I feel as if I’m am sitting in the center of a sea of confusion with no answers.  All love is contained within me.  There is NO LOVE at all in my outer world.  I have no family who cares about me.  Friends and students come and go.  I’m trying to figure out why I feel so confused, so that I can at least have some clarity about my confusion.  I am in a VERY slow moving process of forward movement.  I am ALWAYS going forward.  That much I am not confused about.  I think that, having lost ALL hope that any love could come from my outer world to me, I am beginning to allow my ego to absorb into my beautiful soul and inner world.  In the past I have carried all responsibility for loving on my own shoulders.  The weight is massively heavy, and no love comes back to me.  The people whom I loved with all of my heart just repeatedly trash me and walk off.  Repeatedly.  I have always been on the absolute bottom of anyone’s list.  But there is INCREDIBLE AND MASSIVE LOVE contained within me.  I have all desire to absorb into that love entirely so that none of my ego requires anything at all from the outer world of earth.  I wish to be completely satisfied and contained from within.  It means DEATH to my ego.  It’s taken me my entire lifetime to arrive at this point.  I have had to be repeatedly and endlessly trashed by absolutely everyone that I have loved with all my heart.  I finally know that death is the only answer, and I am finally ready to die.  I know that death of my ego will be a slow moving painful and confusing process.  I am ready now to step into that process.

I live a lifetime of suffering.  I have NEVER been loved or wanted by anyone on the earth.  I have built my own wonderful business of students and music, but there is no lasting love, even in the students who stay with me for ten years.  I do not have the ability to be loved.  It’s as if I am missing the other half of me, and I don’t have even a slight clue how to build that half of myself.  I am now becoming an older woman who is a part of the most unwanted and unloved group in the United States.  It doesn’t matter that I wear the cutest clothes or work hard to stay youthful.  I am who I am.  It doesn’t matter that I am actually more youthful and playful than people half my age.  I am who I am in the eyes of the world.  I am FORCED to find ALL, and I mean ALL, love from within myself alone.  Believe it or not, there is HUGE LOVE inside.  I have more love inside me than all the love that the world could possibly offer me, if perchance it should ever offer me love.  My inner world is built on respect and pure love and acceptance.  It’s amazing!!!!  I almost feel embarrassed to accept the love that comes to me from inner spaces.  There are actual spirits in my inner world who adore me, and I adore them!  I so wonder why I am trapped in this human world that’s built on false societal values and what people can get instead of being built on true caring and sharing.  The contrast between the two worlds that I live in is vast and overwhelming to me.  My ego self that is forced to live on the earth is sad and deeply lonely and isolated.  My spirit that lives inside me is full of the most beautiful light and love.  I wish I knew how I can continue to live in this massive dichotomy.  I find clues, but definitely no answers.  The only thing that I can think of is that I must find some way to stop wishing that I could have love from the earth and to be fully happy with the love that I know and experience from within.  I want my inner world to grow and FULLY take over my ego.  I want to completely center my body self into my true self.  I want to no longer wish and long for love and acceptance from my sons or anyone at all.  I want to be swallowed up into true love!!!!!!!!!!!

Who am I in my life as an orphan with no family at all.  The thing that is most shocking to me is that I even have a life at all.  Somehow every day my life fills up with things to do and people to talk with, sometimes even having awesome beyond the ordinary conversations.  There is nothing on my calendar for the future.  Actually I have been living this way of insecurity for quite a few years.  Last night one of my students stayed after his lesson, and we had a delightful evening together with dinner and a movie.  This may never happen again.  We are not bonded, so he may drop out of my life at any time.  Somehow, almost magically, something new happens or somebody else comes along.  I have always loved my family and the people in my life with a passionate intensity.  That love has been spat upon, spurned, taken for granted, unwanted.  I still have all that love inside myself.  It’s all tucked into various rooms, and I’ve closed and locked the doors so that I can go on living as best I can.  I know if my sons or family of origin decide that I’m someone worthwhile to love and be loved by, I will be able to open the doors very slowly, and gradually all the beautiful intense love will come forth from my heart.  For now ALL LOVE for my life needs is coming from within myself alone.  I can’t even believe that I’m strong enough to live this way, but I find day by day I am living and surviving.  I am providing for all of my own needs.  I have a mandala tapestry that takes up an entire wall in my bedroom.  The center is a small circle, and everything fans out equidistant from that small circle into an ever widening and expanding circle.  Right now I find myself to be that tiny circle in the absolute center. I don’t know the meaning, but the symbol is powerful.

Wow!  I made it through the holidays with no family at all.  I didn’t buy one present or cook one special meal.  I didn’t put up any decorations.  I probably never will again.  I did receive presents from from students.  Mostly junk that I don’t really need or want, sorry to say.  I did have a date on New Year’s Eve.  Yuk!  He turned out to be nothing more than a traditional boring male.  Wanted to open doors for me and pay for my meal.  Conventional crap.  I am a fully functioning human being and find that I no longer fit into the mold of traditional woman who lets a man treat her as he would a child and then gets you know what payoff.  Women did that in the past because somebody managed to set up society so that women had to have men to protect and care for them.  Women learned exactly how to talk to and treat men so that they could get their basic life needs met.  I meet my own basic needs fully by myself, so I don’t need to play the other games.  Of course most men get bent out of shape when they meet a fully independent woman who has no need to be taken care of anymore.  My desire would be to find someone that I could do things with and have deep discussions with and possibly feel a soulmate connection.  That certainly never happens. This guy was about 15 years younger than me, but he still was FAR more conventional than I am.  I think that’s a lot of the problem with my sons and me.  They have become traditional and conventional to fit into their jobs and their relationships. I, their mother, am far younger and more alive than they are.  The conventional ways of society, become what whichever society that you’re a part of demands that you be, makes a person’s spirit either go hide somewhere or leave the person altogether.

I know exactly what I want and desire.  I want relationships, not just one, where we are connected to and aware of our spirits, the real us.  We are no longer suppressed and hidden.  I am that person now, but society has NO SPACE for me.  I am hidden inside my house.  I believe that if I could find someone else who knows that society has repressed them and has finally gotten the courage to be the real spirit who lives in a body, then our spirits could dance and play together through our bodies.  We wouldn’t even need all the artificial forms of satisfaction that society offers.  It never really satisfies in the end anyhow. I have experienced that sporadically, but the other person was always scared off.  I know why.  The experience has always been very joyful and rewarding, but then the other person is terrified of being ostracized from society.  Spirit doesn’t belong in the “real” world.  Everyone is too afraid of losing their stash.  I totally understand their fear.  I lost my entire stash.  There’s nothing left, and it’s not easy.  So I dream of meeting other courageous people and sharing what I perceive as “real”.  It’s the opposite of what earth sees as real.  But in my world, everyone is equal.  There are no divisions, although people have different gifts.  Yet we can all help and share with each other.  We have nothing to hide.  In fact, we LONG to share. to know and be known.  In doing that, we learn more about ourselves.  We are always growing and changing and learning.

Christmas Day.  It is deeply silent in my house.  Who am I now in this space of no family or society?  Am I even human anymore?  Does being loved by someone, anyone, make a person human?  I belong nowhere at all except inside my beautiful little cabin house.  I have a huge mandala hanging on my wall in my bedroom.  The center is like a small eye.  From that center everything moves out equidistant.  I don’t understand with my conscious mind what I am saying.  I only know that everything that has happened to me to leave me in this position of isolation has been purposeful and isn’t for loss.  I am centered in that eye.  The tsunami that has gradually washed over my life and taken EVERYONE whom I loved away from me has forced me to be centered in myself.  I feel a powerful sense of purpose and centering this morning.  Yes, I feel grief and an aching sadness that my family, all of them, have abandoned me.  I am a woman who is able to communicate from a deep and intimately personal level.  There is no one in my family who has any ears to be able to hear what I say.  They are incredibly and endlessly stubborn and stuck in the old ways of tradition.  In truth, I am the ONLY one who is a full fledged human being.  In order to be real and fully human a person has to have empathy and flexibility and caring.  Relationships built on roles, such as “mom” and all the things that people see as what the mom of a grown man is or should be, cause me to feel such sadness.  I am a real person, and I want real relationships with other real people.  I work in a church.  I can’t possibly be real there.  I have mostly christian students, and I certainly can’t be the real deeply thinking me with them.  So I walk on alone, becoming more and more centered and whole from within myself every day.  I compromise so that I can have work, and I am paid for that work.  Here inside my house there are no compromises.  I am fully and completely me, searching daily for more clarity and wholeness and comprehension of what a true human is.  Yesterday I took a walk and listened to Michael Jackson’s “Keep the Faith” six times.  ”It’s just a matter of time before your confidence will win out.  Believe in yourself no matter what it’s gonna take………Keep your eyes on the prize and your feet flat on the ground…….I know that keepin’ the faith means never givin’ up on love, but the power that love has to make it right makes it right……..Your confidence will win out. But till that day I said you’ve got to keep the faith.”  I love you, Michael!!!!!!!!  What a gift I got on Christmas.  Michael came to me and said that love WILL WIN!!!!!!!

It’s Christmas Eve.  I am abandoned by everyone.  I bought nothing, put up no tree, cooked nothing.  I have no family.  No one on earth loves me.  I am an orphan.  So now what do I do?  There’s always meaning, and I will push through until I find it.   I know that I am learning new concepts in my aloneness.  It’s painful as hell, though.

My sons want to treat me as if I am a background mom that they can throw tiny little tidbits of nothing to.  I’m supposed to be satisfied with clinging by my fingertips to the bottom of their lists.  If I say that I no longer want to be a mom to guys who treat me like that, then they get their feelings hurt.  They absolutely do not care about me enough to treat me as if I am a valuable, intelligent human being.  I am finally coming, cell by cell and pain by pain, to a place where I’m getting strong enough to no longer try to please them so that they will still be around.  The bones they throw are not enough anymore.  That is actually a gift given to me to make me become even stronger and more self assured.  As I walk forward out of everything, sometimes I think farther than any human being has ever walked, I never know where I’m walking.  I’m never given anything to stand on.  The road appears in front of me step by step as I walk.  Somehow there is something to do every day.  I’m always surprised, because I’m not a part of anything anymore, and I no longer have family.  My song says, “Where do I go, where do I go now from here?  I do not know, I only know I’ve conquered fear.  I can go on, I can go on and be the best.  I only know that my soul will find the rest of the path, and I have freedom ………….”   Freedom from the panic and fear.  I am coming to the place where I no longer want to be with sons who have no eyes to see who I am.  It’s too hard to put energy into pleasing sons who have no respect for the intense work that I’ve done to try to come out from under the load of being an intelligent intuitive female and trying to live in an incredibly repressive world.  I have to stand very tall on my own two feet and continue to grow even taller.  No one is going to appreciate the work and effort.  I have to completely believe in my own self.  I have to and will find a deep love from within me to keep moving forward.  My course IS forward, and I will go on………I have no idea of what it would feel like to be loved.  It has never been a part of my earth experience.  But I do know that I AM LOVE.  If I had earth love I would never discover the love that lives full and strong inside of me.  I don’t know what’s going to happen to me……………………………..

WOW!  It’s Dec.14th.  Everyone is so super busy with all their normal activities while they are preparing for Christmas.  Christmas means one thing for me now.  I have no family left at all, so it is a time of complete emptiness.  I feel really frightened.   The only son who had even the time of day for me is doing nothing at all with me.  I told him that I needed time away from him so that I could fully realize and grieve that I no longer have any family.  He could only scream at me that I really fucked him up so that he can’t even be in a relationship.  I know exactly what he means.  I have been on a long path of evolution.  It’s really difficult to be in a relationship when a person evolves.  There’s no use in me trying to explain.  So I see myself not even standing on the shore.  The tsunami that has slowly taken everything from me except for students has now completely wiped out my earth.  The ocean covers everything.  I look around to see where to go, and there is an active white swirling light next to me, telling me to step inside.  I step inside, and gradually I realize that the light is my sister who committed suicide 20 years ago.  A year before she died she sent me a birthday card.  It said, “I know you think you have no family, but I’ll always be your family”.  She is loudly telling me that right now.  Someone who knows nothing at all about my sister said to me last week, “Your sister was your soulmate sister, wasn’t she”.  That information was floating around in the air and she picked it up.  Amazing, as always.  ……….I am buying no presents this year.  I will be receiving many presents from my very special students, but none at all from the people whom I deeply love….my sons.  I don’t know if there will ever come a time when my sons will realize that they have a mom who has a beautiful spirit who has boundless love for them.  I don’t know if they will ever realize that that love is worth more than anything on earth.  Until and unless, I have my dear spirit sister who is spending time with me.  It feels really special and definitely helps me not to be so sad and lonely.  She was loud and crazy and talked endlessly.  She is much more evolved right now than she used to be.  Right now she has a big warm smile that is filled with tender love and caring.  I feel the same way about her.  We always did feel that way for each other except when we were little and beat the crap out of each other.  ….. The truth is that there are other spirits right now who are pouring their love to me.  I am alone inside my house, but my house is filled with warm caring love. It’s beautiful!!!!!!!

Where is there one other person on earth who is like me.  I am like the song that says, “Tis the gift to be simple, tis the gift to be free.  Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be.  And when we find ourselves in the place just right, we’ll be in the land of love and delight.”   I know full well that I’ve reached that place.  It contains no divisive religion, and I’m sorry to say, ALL religions are divisive!!!!!  It contains no politics.  The only politics would be someone to take care of the money that we pay to build streets, sewers, schools, health care, etc, so that we don’t have to drive in mud, and so that everyone has equal chance for health, etc.  We have a longing here to share our deepest thoughts and learn from each other, knowing that everyone has something of value to offer, as long as it’s based on free thinking and simplicity and not on what some religion or ideology forces a person to think and say.  I long to have this sort of friendship with my sons, but they are LOST in the ideology of traditional maleness.  How the hell does a person talk truth to a traditional male.  I do it because that’s who I am, open and honest, free thinking and sharing.  They shut me out for years at a time, and I reel from the shock of it.  After I’ve been open and they’ve shut me out, it takes me a lot of time to figure out what I did wrong.  Listen to what I’m saying!!!!  In reality most people are doing everything possible to shut out plain simple truth and fairness and equality.  Most peoples true minds are on auto pilot, allowing religion or other ideologies to tell them what to think and feel.  The price I pay for living in the land of true simplicity is everything.  But how is it possible to go backwards into stifling my mind and feelings and becoming robotic ever again.  I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I can find anyone else like me at all.  My students and parents will talk to me because I offer them true growth musically.  Otherwise I’ve been shut out of the earth.  And the amazing thing is that I’m probably the simplest most truthful person on the earth.  There’s no complications where I live.  How did the earth become so utterly twisted with power, control, greed, male dominance, codependence, one upmanship, etc, etc, etc, etc.  I wish with everything in me that I could find even one other human being who is like me, open and honest and free and wanting to share.  Of course that person wouldn’t be like me, because every person is unique, but we could each learn SO MUCH from sharing our own uniqueness with each other.  One of my sons will talk to me occasionally if I talk totally surface nothing with him.  It has to be when he wants to, though.  If I try to be a real person with him, he utterly shuts me out, which is where we are now.  I don’t know when or if he’ll ever speak to me again.  I tried to tell him my feelings about holidays.  He is absolutely the last family member that I have, and his girlfriend refuses to spend any time with me at all.  That leaves me with nothing but solitude on holidays.  I am trying to learn to deal with it without sadness.  All of my students are incredibly busy with family events at that time, and I have no family events.  I tried to talk to him about my feelings.  I am trying very hard to work my way through to a happier place without blaming him, knowing that he now belongs to his girlfriend.  His response is that I shut the fuck up and take what I get or else.  ————— I will find my way alone some way or other.  It seems as if holidays are my last emotional attachment to the old ways of ideology. Like I said, I wish I had someone to share my thoughts and feelings with.  I am strong, and I can work my way through, but sharing life together would make it all so much easier.

There is only one path for me.  The giant tsunami that is my life rolls forward and takes any minute cell that might be left of my old life.  I am utterly forced to either commit suicide or rebuild entirely on myself alone.  I have become massively strong to be able to build a life alone.  It’s been step by step.  The old way CONSTANTLY disappoints me and falls away from me.  There is NO ONE at all who cares if I live or die or what I do.  Can you believe that I get up every day and I dress in a really cute trendy way, and I go about keeping myself occupied and entertained.  I have a little church music job, and yesterday the sermon was about bullying and about learning to be kind and gentle to everyone.  The thing is that that means everyone but me.  I am not a Christian, therefore I am SCUM to them.  They do not have to be kind to me, and they don’t have to make any excuses for that.  I am less than human to them, although I do help them have better services.  You ask me why I work in a church.  Thing is, I’m treated that way everywhere and by everyone.  I refuse to bow down to society’s restrictions and forced ways of thinking.  I am scum, usable for great talents and abilities only.  Otherwise I am worthless and and a castaway.  But I won’t go down and be made less than I am.  The price is everything.  I think that I must be the only person in the entire world world who is willing to pay the whole price.  It hurts like hell to have to remain in a body and be treated like scum when I know the real me is so beautiful and loving and giving.  But the real me will disappear if I allow myself to go down.  This is such a dilemma.  Yet, it isn’t.  I know that I HAVE to pay the full price.  I push forward.