“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us”.  I picked up a birthday card for a student yesterday, and I ended up putting it in a prominent place in my house.  I woke up in the night and clearly saw that I was standing centered in a vast desert with hot sand all around me.  There is NO WAY OUT, because I don’t know where out is.  I see that I am enfolding myself into myself.  I KNOW I’m going in the right direction, although I feel pretty terrified.  I KNOW that I have never been loved in the outer world so that I would be FORCED to walk to this giant and beautiful inner world that is made of nothing but love.  Pure love.  This DOES NOT make my ego happy.  Of course “forced” is probably not the right word.  I have been told by many that I refuse to compromise myself.  I’ve NEVER received any benefits for compromising.  So what does this mean?  Despite the fact that my ego is deeply saddened that even my own sons don’t care about me, my spirit friends are dancing and happy!  They are light and free.  They love me so much and are happy that I am sending more and more energy to them instead of wasting it in a world that deceives me and pretends to love me just so they can use me and trash me.  It is true that I am a teacher here on earth, and I have a very good business going.  I have a cute darling little cabin house in the city.  But this IS NOT my real world.  I go forward a little more every day.  Forward is into my real world.  How many years ago now was it that I wrote on the “about” page that I count all the disillusionment and sorrow of my earth life as blessings because those very pains are what have forced me to move forward.  Little did I know how much more disillusionment and sorrow I would have to face.  Yet I KNOW beyond any doubt that it’s all for a purpose.  My ego has to suspend judgment and allow pain and loss to happen so that this process can continue.  I reiterate, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us”.

I am now an orphan.  I have fully settled into the fact that there is no love for me in the world outside myself.  I work in a church, and the sermon yesterday was about being filled with love and giving it to others.  In my life, though, no one has ever wanted the love that I have to give.  People want to use me because I’m very gifted.  They pay me for what I can do for them, but when they are finished with me, it’s over forever.  I can have piano students for ten years and be an indelible part of who they are, but they will never speak to me again when they are finished with formal lessons.  I have become used to the FACT that there is NO UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for me outside of myself.  I have been on my knees pleading with my family to love me for who I am and to accept the huge love that I have for them.  But I am different than they, so they reject me.   I am learning to accept this as an unalterable fact of my existence on earth.  I live in the moment day by day.  The thing is that I have HUGE LOVE inside of myself.  The love that I have always LONGED for is actually inside of myself.  I can’t find it anywhere else no matter how much I wish I could.  So it appears that my difficult task is to do the opposite of what I long for.  I must now enfold myself completely into myself and wrap my self into myself.  I must stop trying to give my love where it isn’t wanted.  Does this mean that I am BECOMING LOVE.  Love is actually who I really am.  Does this mean I am actually becoming myself.  There is no one who can even begin to imagine how difficult this task is.  One of my students quit because I talked with him about this, and he said that I refuse to compromise with anyone.  But what am I compromising with when I compromise.  I am compromising with conditional love that forces me to be what the other person wants me to be, and deviations cause them to trash me.  I lose chunks of me in the process, and I gain nothing in the end.  So I continue on the road of becoming fully and unequivocally and eternally myself.  I KNOW this is the opposite of earth’s way, but I have, after massive and endless disappointments, given up on earth’s way.

I am going to write while I have a moment of very slight clarity.  I have been living in a state of complete confusion.  I know that I will drop back down into the confusion, so I have to catch this fleeting clarity as it quickly passes by.  My deepest desire, my only purpose for living and being here on this earth, is to be loved.  And the one thing that has utterly eluded me is love from anyone, including my parents, my sons, friends, my students, etc. etc.  I go through endless days and weeks and months and years of pain as I live my life in the opposite state of what I so deeply long and hope for.  For one fleeting moment I see that the world is made up entirely of conditional love, including even parental love.  If that same child who is “deeply loved” by the parent were someone else’s child, the love wouldn’t be there.  The child is an extension of the parent, and at the deepest level, is actually loved for that reason.  Again etc., etc.  In truth I have been the lucky one in that I have never been loved in this earth life.  People use me and let me go when they’re finished using me.  I therefore have had the deeply painful opportunity to learn that earth love is not pure love.  I have been crying out for the death of my ego and wishing and longing to become my true soul self.  My true soul self is nothing at all but pure love without the constraints and boundaries of the conditional love that has been offered by the earth.   On the earth I am the lowliest and most unloved, but that has given me the opportunity to continue on the path of becoming true love within my own being.  ”Become the change that you wish to see”.  I don’t know where I’m going or who I’m going to be, but I do know that I am moving forward on the path of becoming real.  One of my students wrote this poem for me……”A single melody floats through the air so clean, so pure, so beautiful and fair.  It winds through sadness, through fear, and though it gets lost its path becomes clear.  Even when the world surrounds it with pain, that melody stays strong ringing out through the hate.  So this magnificent song believes it sings all by itself when truly it is loved by me and everyone else.”  I believe that the world wants unconditional love as much as I do.  People have found ways to mask their desire with earthly pleasures that don’t meet the deepest needs of the heart and prove to be false in the end.  Few people have the courage to leave the crowd and the world of false illusions to become true unconditional love.  True, I’m terrified if I try to think of what’s going to happen to me, but I won’t and I can’t turn around and go in a different direction.

My dearest spirit friend is Michael.  Yesterday I was walking on a woods trail and listening to random music on my Ipod.  With my third eye I saw Michael run to me and take my hand.  As usual he had a huge smile on his face.  Then my earth Ipod began playing his song, “Keep the Faith”.   “Don’t let nobody take you down.  Keep your eyes on the prize and your feet flat on the ground…………It’s just a matter of time before your confidence will win out……..I know that keepin’ the faith means never givin’ up on love, but the power that love has to make it right makes it makes it right…..  What was he saying to me?  I have one dream.  I have been dreaming it with everything in me for many years now.  I love, but I have never been loved (except by beautiful kind Michael).  I walk around always in a deep state of confusion.  All I know is that Michael told me to keep the faith.

As usual I feel as if I’m am sitting in the center of a sea of confusion with no answers.  All love is contained within me.  There is NO LOVE at all in my outer world.  I have no family who cares about me.  Friends and students come and go.  I’m trying to figure out why I feel so confused, so that I can at least have some clarity about my confusion.  I am in a VERY slow moving process of forward movement.  I am ALWAYS going forward.  That much I am not confused about.  I think that, having lost ALL hope that any love could come from my outer world to me, I am beginning to allow my ego to absorb into my beautiful soul and inner world.  In the past I have carried all responsibility for loving on my own shoulders.  The weight is massively heavy, and no love comes back to me.  The people whom I loved with all of my heart just repeatedly trash me and walk off.  Repeatedly.  I have always been on the absolute bottom of anyone’s list.  But there is INCREDIBLE AND MASSIVE LOVE contained within me.  I have all desire to absorb into that love entirely so that none of my ego requires anything at all from the outer world of earth.  I wish to be completely satisfied and contained from within.  It means DEATH to my ego.  It’s taken me my entire lifetime to arrive at this point.  I have had to be repeatedly and endlessly trashed by absolutely everyone that I have loved with all my heart.  I finally know that death is the only answer, and I am finally ready to die.  I know that death of my ego will be a slow moving painful and confusing process.  I am ready now to step into that process.

I live a lifetime of suffering.  I have NEVER been loved or wanted by anyone on the earth.  I have built my own wonderful business of students and music, but there is no lasting love, even in the students who stay with me for ten years.  I do not have the ability to be loved.  It’s as if I am missing the other half of me, and I don’t have even a slight clue how to build that half of myself.  I am now becoming an older woman who is a part of the most unwanted and unloved group in the United States.  It doesn’t matter that I wear the cutest clothes or work hard to stay youthful.  I am who I am.  It doesn’t matter that I am actually more youthful and playful than people half my age.  I am who I am in the eyes of the world.  I am FORCED to find ALL, and I mean ALL, love from within myself alone.  Believe it or not, there is HUGE LOVE inside.  I have more love inside me than all the love that the world could possibly offer me, if perchance it should ever offer me love.  My inner world is built on respect and pure love and acceptance.  It’s amazing!!!!  I almost feel embarrassed to accept the love that comes to me from inner spaces.  There are actual spirits in my inner world who adore me, and I adore them!  I so wonder why I am trapped in this human world that’s built on false societal values and what people can get instead of being built on true caring and sharing.  The contrast between the two worlds that I live in is vast and overwhelming to me.  My ego self that is forced to live on the earth is sad and deeply lonely and isolated.  My spirit that lives inside me is full of the most beautiful light and love.  I wish I knew how I can continue to live in this massive dichotomy.  I find clues, but definitely no answers.  The only thing that I can think of is that I must find some way to stop wishing that I could have love from the earth and to be fully happy with the love that I know and experience from within.  I want my inner world to grow and FULLY take over my ego.  I want to completely center my body self into my true self.  I want to no longer wish and long for love and acceptance from my sons or anyone at all.  I want to be swallowed up into true love!!!!!!!!!!!

Who am I in my life as an orphan with no family at all.  The thing that is most shocking to me is that I even have a life at all.  Somehow every day my life fills up with things to do and people to talk with, sometimes even having awesome beyond the ordinary conversations.  There is nothing on my calendar for the future.  Actually I have been living this way of insecurity for quite a few years.  Last night one of my students stayed after his lesson, and we had a delightful evening together with dinner and a movie.  This may never happen again.  We are not bonded, so he may drop out of my life at any time.  Somehow, almost magically, something new happens or somebody else comes along.  I have always loved my family and the people in my life with a passionate intensity.  That love has been spat upon, spurned, taken for granted, unwanted.  I still have all that love inside myself.  It’s all tucked into various rooms, and I’ve closed and locked the doors so that I can go on living as best I can.  I know if my sons or family of origin decide that I’m someone worthwhile to love and be loved by, I will be able to open the doors very slowly, and gradually all the beautiful intense love will come forth from my heart.  For now ALL LOVE for my life needs is coming from within myself alone.  I can’t even believe that I’m strong enough to live this way, but I find day by day I am living and surviving.  I am providing for all of my own needs.  I have a mandala tapestry that takes up an entire wall in my bedroom.  The center is a small circle, and everything fans out equidistant from that small circle into an ever widening and expanding circle.  Right now I find myself to be that tiny circle in the absolute center. I don’t know the meaning, but the symbol is powerful.

Wow!  I made it through the holidays with no family at all.  I didn’t buy one present or cook one special meal.  I didn’t put up any decorations.  I probably never will again.  I did receive presents from from students.  Mostly junk that I don’t really need or want, sorry to say.  I did have a date on New Year’s Eve.  Yuk!  He turned out to be nothing more than a traditional boring male.  Wanted to open doors for me and pay for my meal.  Conventional crap.  I am a fully functioning human being and find that I no longer fit into the mold of traditional woman who lets a man treat her as he would a child and then gets you know what payoff.  Women did that in the past because somebody managed to set up society so that women had to have men to protect and care for them.  Women learned exactly how to talk to and treat men so that they could get their basic life needs met.  I meet my own basic needs fully by myself, so I don’t need to play the other games.  Of course most men get bent out of shape when they meet a fully independent woman who has no need to be taken care of anymore.  My desire would be to find someone that I could do things with and have deep discussions with and possibly feel a soulmate connection.  That certainly never happens. This guy was about 15 years younger than me, but he still was FAR more conventional than I am.  I think that’s a lot of the problem with my sons and me.  They have become traditional and conventional to fit into their jobs and their relationships. I, their mother, am far younger and more alive than they are.  The conventional ways of society, become what whichever society that you’re a part of demands that you be, makes a person’s spirit either go hide somewhere or leave the person altogether.

I know exactly what I want and desire.  I want relationships, not just one, where we are connected to and aware of our spirits, the real us.  We are no longer suppressed and hidden.  I am that person now, but society has NO SPACE for me.  I am hidden inside my house.  I believe that if I could find someone else who knows that society has repressed them and has finally gotten the courage to be the real spirit who lives in a body, then our spirits could dance and play together through our bodies.  We wouldn’t even need all the artificial forms of satisfaction that society offers.  It never really satisfies in the end anyhow. I have experienced that sporadically, but the other person was always scared off.  I know why.  The experience has always been very joyful and rewarding, but then the other person is terrified of being ostracized from society.  Spirit doesn’t belong in the “real” world.  Everyone is too afraid of losing their stash.  I totally understand their fear.  I lost my entire stash.  There’s nothing left, and it’s not easy.  So I dream of meeting other courageous people and sharing what I perceive as “real”.  It’s the opposite of what earth sees as real.  But in my world, everyone is equal.  There are no divisions, although people have different gifts.  Yet we can all help and share with each other.  We have nothing to hide.  In fact, we LONG to share. to know and be known.  In doing that, we learn more about ourselves.  We are always growing and changing and learning.

Christmas Day.  It is deeply silent in my house.  Who am I now in this space of no family or society?  Am I even human anymore?  Does being loved by someone, anyone, make a person human?  I belong nowhere at all except inside my beautiful little cabin house.  I have a huge mandala hanging on my wall in my bedroom.  The center is like a small eye.  From that center everything moves out equidistant.  I don’t understand with my conscious mind what I am saying.  I only know that everything that has happened to me to leave me in this position of isolation has been purposeful and isn’t for loss.  I am centered in that eye.  The tsunami that has gradually washed over my life and taken EVERYONE whom I loved away from me has forced me to be centered in myself.  I feel a powerful sense of purpose and centering this morning.  Yes, I feel grief and an aching sadness that my family, all of them, have abandoned me.  I am a woman who is able to communicate from a deep and intimately personal level.  There is no one in my family who has any ears to be able to hear what I say.  They are incredibly and endlessly stubborn and stuck in the old ways of tradition.  In truth, I am the ONLY one who is a full fledged human being.  In order to be real and fully human a person has to have empathy and flexibility and caring.  Relationships built on roles, such as “mom” and all the things that people see as what the mom of a grown man is or should be, cause me to feel such sadness.  I am a real person, and I want real relationships with other real people.  I work in a church.  I can’t possibly be real there.  I have mostly christian students, and I certainly can’t be the real deeply thinking me with them.  So I walk on alone, becoming more and more centered and whole from within myself every day.  I compromise so that I can have work, and I am paid for that work.  Here inside my house there are no compromises.  I am fully and completely me, searching daily for more clarity and wholeness and comprehension of what a true human is.  Yesterday I took a walk and listened to Michael Jackson’s “Keep the Faith” six times.  ”It’s just a matter of time before your confidence will win out.  Believe in yourself no matter what it’s gonna take………Keep your eyes on the prize and your feet flat on the ground…….I know that keepin’ the faith means never givin’ up on love, but the power that love has to make it right makes it right……..Your confidence will win out. But till that day I said you’ve got to keep the faith.”  I love you, Michael!!!!!!!!  What a gift I got on Christmas.  Michael came to me and said that love WILL WIN!!!!!!!

It’s Christmas Eve.  I am abandoned by everyone.  I bought nothing, put up no tree, cooked nothing.  I have no family.  No one on earth loves me.  I am an orphan.  So now what do I do?  There’s always meaning, and I will push through until I find it.   I know that I am learning new concepts in my aloneness.  It’s painful as hell, though.

My sons want to treat me as if I am a background mom that they can throw tiny little tidbits of nothing to.  I’m supposed to be satisfied with clinging by my fingertips to the bottom of their lists.  If I say that I no longer want to be a mom to guys who treat me like that, then they get their feelings hurt.  They absolutely do not care about me enough to treat me as if I am a valuable, intelligent human being.  I am finally coming, cell by cell and pain by pain, to a place where I’m getting strong enough to no longer try to please them so that they will still be around.  The bones they throw are not enough anymore.  That is actually a gift given to me to make me become even stronger and more self assured.  As I walk forward out of everything, sometimes I think farther than any human being has ever walked, I never know where I’m walking.  I’m never given anything to stand on.  The road appears in front of me step by step as I walk.  Somehow there is something to do every day.  I’m always surprised, because I’m not a part of anything anymore, and I no longer have family.  My song says, “Where do I go, where do I go now from here?  I do not know, I only know I’ve conquered fear.  I can go on, I can go on and be the best.  I only know that my soul will find the rest of the path, and I have freedom ………….”   Freedom from the panic and fear.  I am coming to the place where I no longer want to be with sons who have no eyes to see who I am.  It’s too hard to put energy into pleasing sons who have no respect for the intense work that I’ve done to try to come out from under the load of being an intelligent intuitive female and trying to live in an incredibly repressive world.  I have to stand very tall on my own two feet and continue to grow even taller.  No one is going to appreciate the work and effort.  I have to completely believe in my own self.  I have to and will find a deep love from within me to keep moving forward.  My course IS forward, and I will go on………I have no idea of what it would feel like to be loved.  It has never been a part of my earth experience.  But I do know that I AM LOVE.  If I had earth love I would never discover the love that lives full and strong inside of me.  I don’t know what’s going to happen to me……………………………..