I have become disconnected from everyone.  It’s the strangest thing!  Everyday things happen because I have piano and voice students, and somehow life keeps happening.  It’s surface life, though.  I have no strings that tie me to anyone or any institution or anything at all.  The thing that’s so amazing is (and hard to describe if you haven’t experienced it) is the question of who is a person when that person becomes not a collection of ideas and ideologies and constructs that society says that person is or that the person him/herself believes she/he is because of the specific society that that person was raised in and taught to believe that he/she is.  It’s very painful and sad to lose ties and become disconnected, but it feels as if I have become PURE person.  I see it clearly.  Of course my biggest question is where does pure person fit into society.  I have never met anyone else like me who has examined absolutely everything, and questioned in such detail how the earth is put together.  Somehow I’ve known my own deepest self and known that earth does not respect the deepest realness of a person.  Society wants people to belong in all the many and varied boxes that make up the earth.  Anyhow I wish someone would tell me what I’m going to do now—————–

Every day of my life is designed by my inner self with one purpose and one purpose only in mind, and that is to learn to fully love and care for myself alone.  OMG!  I am filled with HUGE LOVE for everyone, but when I give any of that love out to the world, I am repeatedly shown that it is a one way street, not to be reciprocated by anyone at all.  I have lived a lifetime like this.  My lifetime has had a purpose.  I think that I have been giving my love out and caring for people who only use my love for their own purposes for all of eternity.  The love that is me is so very beautiful, so warm and caring and alive and real.  My task right now in the present moment is to learn to make this love enough for me.  I still have a deep longing to be wanted by others.  ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTS ME.  The fullness of my love and sunshine is learning to be contained completely within myself.  My ego self is working VERY HARD EVERY DAY to learn to feel content and nurtured.  After all, since no one wants the huge love that is me, I get it all for myself.  Damn, this is a really hard lesson for me to learn!!!!

Just found out that I will be spending yet another Thanksgiving in isolation.  I know anyone reading this will think I’m completely whacked, but I feel that I am being punished by all of society for refusing to lower myself and play by the rules.  I am a woman, and playing by the rules means that I must go braindead and not see what I see and not know what I know.  The rewards and perks for playing by the rules are many.  In my case, though, I only was put down and trampled, as I’ve repeatedly said.  I wouldn’t have sex with married men who pretended to be my friend, but when they found out I wouldn’t go to bed with them on the side, the whole nature of the ”friendship” changed.  I wouldn’t have sex with unmarried men who, when they found out that I wanted friendship along with sex, shut me out.  I wouldn’t force myself to believe any longer in a repressive and brainless religion, so my family kicked me out.  My friends from my married days all kicked me out because they were lowering themselves in order to live “happily” with their husbands, and they felt that I didn’t do that, and therefore caused my husband to divorce me.  The church that I worked in, the minister wanted sex on the side.  No telling how many women he treated like that behind closed doors.  So I pay a huge price in aloneness in order to stand up and be the beautiful and real woman that I am.  I am only going to continue to grow stronger.  I won’t be crushed, even though the entire world has tried to crush me!

Today is my birthday.  Again I wake up alone and face a long lonely road.  I have a task in front of me that I am FINALLY not fighting anymore.  My task is to find ALL COMPLETION AND FULFILLMENT from witin myself alone and to come to a place within me where there is no anger left in me at the world that has forced me to this place.  My deepest wish throughout my lifetime has been to be loved and wanted.  That deepest wish has been denied me in EVERY relationship that I’ve ever had; daughter, niece, sister, wife, mother, friend, coworker, girlfriend, etc.  All anger and pain about the way my life has been is dying within me.  I realize that I am SUCH a beautiful person, and I am FILLED with love.  That love is ALL for me to live with and grow with and become fully content with.  I have had some guilt to not be sharing my vast resources with the world, but everytime I think of it I remember that I’ve been abandoned, rejected, beheaded, tarred and feathered or merely tolerated because I’m in a body and located on earth.  It’s perfectly okay to be alone on my birthday because the love that I have inside me is growing fuller and stronger.  WOW!  I’m utterly amazed at myself that I can say these things and feel this way.  I’ve had such an intense longing ALL MY LEFE to have SOMEONE care about me.  Letting go of that intense need and realizing that I CAN CARE FOR MYSELF has been the accomplishment of my lifetime.  I always wonder where this is all leading, but I see myself growing stronger and stronger in this amazing space.

I feel as if I have moved inside a beautiful bubble.  There’s huge amounts of chaos and trouble, depression, worries, etc going on all around me, and I’m safely ensconced inside my beautiful world.  I’d like to do my part to help.  In fact I’d love to do my part, but anytime I try to join in I get used, trampled on, put down.  So here I am with all the cells of me brought to this place.  Inside here I spend my time doing a little work, but mostly keeping myself entertained.  I’ve already tested all the things that can happen when I try to step back on the earth in any way, and none of them are good.  Everyone has their own little soapbox or control group, and there’s huge amounts of anger and fighting and bickering and problems.  I can’t even turn that way at all.  Damn, I wish I knew what will happen to me out here in this beautiful bubble all by myself.  I have long been on a forward path, and that path has ALWAYS had movement.  It has NEVER been static, so I don’t think that I will be just sitting here twiddling my thumbs forever – now that I’m here.

Everyday I drop deeply into myself before I start the day’s activities.  I am changing and growing and becoming stronger inch by inch.  I am barely attached to the earth, definitely not down in the maze.  My body is given enough for survival, but my body is not me.  Therefore I feel as if I do not exist on the earth.  I exist in my beautiful garden space, and I have given up all efforts to stay attached to the earth.  People on earth have been utterly clear that they do not want this real me.  They have tried to murder me.  They have shut me out.  Any effort to try to connect to anyone at all as the real me brings me massive pain and rejection.  So I live the real me inside my little cabin house alone, and I go out into the world and smile and get through the day.  The real me knows peace, love, freedom, how to fly.  The  only sadness that I know is that I don’t have any way to relay this beautiful way of living to anyone else.  Why why does earth shut out what’s real and beautiful.  The old man that I used to talk with always said, “Yes, it’s all beautiful where you are, but I don’t have time for that.  I’ve got to get on with my life”.  Another person said to me, “Yes, I can see that the place where you’re going is very good and right, but NOBODY at all goes there”.  Then these people, whom I loved, threw me out of their lives.  When anyone gets close to me and feels the love and peace, they run away fast and hard.  Why are we so afraid to change to a better way of living.  Why does the earth choose the maze, the lower levels of life, and call it life and living.  It’s like so many people know, but NO ONE will come here, so I’ve had to slowly and gradually let go of everyone, (it’s more like they let go of me), and walk here and live here by myself alone.  I have a lot of years left to live.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  But the thought comes to me again that we are not disconnected from each other.  We are a part of one another.  What if I’m the first person to actually move all the way here, to brave all the odds and move all of me here.  What if that is the beginning of a new earth.  Only time will tell.

I am now living inside the realization that I am not wanted or needed on the earth.  I am living quietly in my own land of beauty.  How do I even write or talk about this way of living.  All of my life I have tried to be a part of the earth.  It got to the point where I realized I wasn’t wanted or loved, so I just kept doing things with people just so that I would feel as if I had a life.  I have now given that up.  I am entertaining myself with books, movies, walks, bike rides, concerts, shopping, and students.  The deep abiding sadness that was always a part of every fiber, every cell, of my being is being replaced with a quiet sort of peace.  It’s in the total surrender to the fact that I am not loved or wanted by anyone, that there is no place on earth for me, that I begin to find peace and total love from within myself alone.  It’s in bringing all the stray cells back to myself and making myself into a fully cohesive whole that I begin, for the first time in all eternity, to find love and acceptance.  My garden IS love.  I don’t know what’s going to happen to the world that I used to care so much about, but had to leave because they didn’t want me.  I don’t know what’s next.  I see clearly that trying to please a world who does nothing to try to please me has not done anything but brought me pain and depression.  Step by step I continue the journey to finding and being love.

Today I feel as if I’m making my final surrender to my own aloneness.  The stray cells that have been left on the earth as I’ve made this difficult climb to my own self have been brought back to me.  I have absolved everyone of all responsibility.  I have wished and searched and gone for anything that looked vaguely similar to love on the earth, but I fully realize now that there is no love for me out there.  I am not in any way saying this to feel sorry for myself.  I have spent a lifetime testing, and EVERY TIME it lands in the same place.  I am pushed out.  No one wants what I have to give and no one wants me in their lives.  Of course my students definitely want what I have to offer them and pay me money for my services.  But outside of that I am excluded and pushed out.  All the fight that was left in me to be a valued member of earth society has surrendered and given up.  I remain alone in my land of beauty and love until whatever may happen.

I continue on my journey of finding all completion and fulfillment from within myself alone.  I had a chat over lunch with someone yesterday about this topic.  Her response was that it is unnatural to want to be complete alone without other human beings, that it is not a normal human way of being.  She is absolutely right.  This is extremely painful for me to go down this road, because it’s done from the point of view of having been rejected by every human being that I’ve tried to go to for support and friendship and help.  I have had NO CHOICE BUT TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD.  My response to her was that the world is made up of people who have given away their souls to try to fit into and belong to something other than their own true selves.  I really believe that the world would run on a whole different course if we could all fully and truly be who we REALLY are.  Of course what person even knows who he/she really is.  We’re all so busy trying to fit into a TRULY FUCKED UP WORLD!  So my own rejection experiences have forced me to search into who I really am.  And now I’m working on FULLY BECOMING my true self.  We can talk about what would make a better world from morning to night.  Someone has to BE THE CHANGE WITHIN THEIR OWN BEING.  “Be the change that you want in the world”.  My own life situation gives me nowhere to turn but to myself.  Myself is a beautiful person on the inside with huge amounts to give.  HUGE!  But first I must TRULY be me!

I continue on the only path that is set before me.  I am forced by outward circumstances to become fully solid within myself, compacted and completely one with myself.  It seems to me that in the past all my cells were spread out everywhere.  People used all the parts of me and didn’t care about me at all.  I have been on a long journey of bringing those cells back to myself alone.  OMG!  The journey has been so difficult and painful.  I feel as if only a few cells are left out there, but it’s difficult to bring those back and make them stick because in doing so I have become compacted and me alone.  I know I’ve written songs about becoming complete within oneself.  I didn’t understand my own music when I wrote it.  Neediness forces dependence, and any form of dependence causes one person to be less than the other.  The one thing that I’ve always wanted more than anything is equal friendships, but even wanting those friendships at all causes me to be dependent on another person to give that to me.  The only way that I can be independent and have no form of dependence is to fully be my own equal friend and find ways to meet my need for friendship from myself alone.  I’m gettin’ there………to the place where my dear friend is ME.