The rejection of my older friend is monumental because it leaves me with no connection to negative earth, except through my students who pay for my services.  My body is bound up in a silent universe with no form of escape.  In this silence and deep existential aloneness I see myself as a huge ball of positive light, a sun.  This sun stands at the center of something brand new and wonderful.  So strange how my body self has had to be a part of this process.  Seems as if it would be so much easier to die from my earthly form and do this in spirit form.  In order to be freed from earth’s gravity, I’ve had to endure resistance and rejection from everyone, everyone that I deeply love, and everyone else, too.  I lost my family of origin quite some time ago, and now my sons have rejected me.  One talks to me just a little, after a long time of not talking at all, and the other will not speak to me at all.  So strange that the one who is not speaking now told me last year that one day in his massage therapy studies he went through a process that took him to the deepest core of himself.  He cried as he told me that I lived in that place, and he loved me more deeply than anything on earth.  He said he knew that I was way farther down the road than he was.  Suddenly he dropped out of my life, choosing a negative controlling relationship instead of positive love.  That relationship binds him to the painful lower level consciousness.  This is a much repeated story in my life.  No one has the strength or courage to step out of that land and into the beautiful positive light with me, and so they reject me completely or try to find a way to just barely communicate, like through music studies or talking to me very occasionally and cutting me off completely in the meantime.  And, paradoxically, it is their rejection and resistance that has forced me to continue the forward journey.  Everyone stops and somehow manages to find satisfaction and contentment or something with earth’s distractions.  I don’t understand how others think, and since no one will talk to me, I have no way of finding out.  So today I am a beautiful sun, freed from the negative earth and shining brightly.  I see pieces of light that I’ve given out in the past coming back to me from the negative earth and joining back in to my large light, so I know that this sun will become bigger and have a gravitational pull of its own.  This process is unutteraby painful to my physical body, but I know who I am, and I cannot go back to the unsatisfying distractions and addictions of the negative earth.  Therefore, I have two choices.  Kill my earth body, or continue forward alone inside it.  I choose the second choice, only because I have a strong hope that the beauty of the positive sun will one day become strong enough that someone on earth will choose positive sun over negative earth and will not be afraid to come and dance and play and share and love with me.  Today is a sunny day, so I will ride my bike on a beautiful bike path.  No earth people will share with me, but nature gives freely and does not hold back.

I am fully in the beautiful, pure and pristine garden of Eden, but my spirit is soaring out through the universe.  I am flying free and riding on the breeze like a pelican floating on the air currents.  There is nothing at all to hold me to the magnetic negative gravity of the earth.  I have fully escaped.  I’ve been hovering here for quite some time, but I’ve had one friend who held me to the earth, my 80 yr old friend.  He comes to my world and sees and reads psychically, but he is fully enmeshed in the negative earth world, so many times he reads through that filter.  Sunday he came all the way here and had what he called a mountain top experience.  Then he plunged all the way back to his own reality and won’t even talk to me now.  This friend who was warm and open and caring has suddenly become extremely cold and far too busy to waste time on me.  I think that this was part of the deep sadness that I was feeling.  I always know on a feeling level before things actually happen.  Anyhow I’ve been rejected and resisted by ALL earth people, and now I fly so free in the sun.  This bird is doing back flips and breathing the freshest air imaginable.  It’s as if I’ve never really breathed before.  The air fills me with newness and freedom and pure love.  There is NO darkness or negativity at all.  The world of negativity has nothing at all that would pull me back after breathing in this incredible air.  Of course my earth body that walks around inside skin is a bit worried about what the hell I’m going to do next because there is no one else here at all.  Only me.  I will admit that there is one person who would love to spend time here, my winter entertainment person, but that’s because he was such a druggie in the past, and I have the ability to take people on a wild ride.  For about 30 seconds I entertained the thought of calling him so that I wouldn’t be totally alone, and then I quickly realized what a huge mistake that would be.  He is totally in the negative world without even having the vision of my older friend (ex friend?).  He would utterly destroy this beauty.  OMG!  No one else that I know would even answer their phone or call me back, and so I soar utterly alone in the pure sunshine.  My spirit leads the way, and my body self has to obey!  Total and utter aloneness has been my deepest fear, and I’ve faced it and fully become it, and I won’t go back to being with people on a false level.  I am totally real now.  There is always a forward, so I know that my spirit will find the way!!

I was right.  This past weekend was very painful and very lonely.  I have walked VERY far down the path. One word that could describe what I’ve done is “empowerment”.  I have brought back all my power to myself, all the power and love that everyone was using for themselves to make themselves feel better, to take a piece of the beautiful energy that is me, but to give nothing at all in return.  I have been abandoned, rejected and resisted by EVERYONE.  The land of beauty at this time is mine alone.  In order for people to try to share it with me and become part of the love and beauty, they must also be willing to walk forward and abandon false fulfillments and addictions that lead nowhere and come to the real world.  Strange that to the earth mind, the real world seems small and powerless, when it really is the only place where true power exists.  But that true power is humble and gentle and full of light and sunshine.  If the world would stop resisting and fighting against, love would overwhelm the place and joy would flow freely.  Everyone would feel so free and light that they would dance endlessly.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

There is one place in my life where I am able to make an impact with empowering others.  It is in my students.  I find that they all live in the negative world, both adults and children.  I don’t teach like other teachers.  It is true that I have to teach basics and skills, or I would be teaching something other than the language of music.  But I teach that my students’ music is their way of expressing the spirit that lies within them.  It is a wonderful way to express their true selves.  I find over and over again that my students are struggling, just as I am, to find a place to express themselves in the unreal world.  I tell them that perhaps they need to conform a little so that they can fit in, because I know what they’re experiencing.  I am SO PROUD to say that I have instilled the love of self expression into them so fully that they now find no joy in conforming.  They tell me that the other way is dull and boring and old world, whereas the creative way brings them great joy and satisfaction.  I am only able to bring them to the land of freedom through music, but at least it’s a start.  I have a huge dream of changing the whole world.  Look at the words of my song “Becoming Whole”.

This painful weekend has solidified me in the light.  I have spent some time with my 80 yr old friend.  We had lunch together in a beautiful nature place.  I met this person about 17 yrs ago, and he knew then that something was very different about me.  He said it was as if he was struck by a bolt of lightening and was paralyzed, and then he saw me bathed in light.  He told me this, and I became very angry with him.  It must have been that I didn’t want to hear about who I really am and what I’d have to go through to become solidified in who I am.  He has been a gifted helper on the journey, as if some spirit is speaking through him to help guide me through the maze.  He is not the only one.  Many amazing helpers have appeared in my life, usually for a short period because their earth selves begin to come with me on the journey, and they drop out because of familial, relationship, job or cultural addictions.  My older friend knows that he is tethered to earth but is able to come here for periods of time and see clearly.  Yesterday he knew that something was different, that the space that I live in is real and all else below me is false.  He felt himself to be on a mountaintop, and he knew that life in this place would be continual renewing joy with no depression.  He can’t come here to live, and if he’s not around me for a short time, he sinks all the way back down to the negative false earth.  He is aware that he does that.  I am forced to be patient as I wait for others to arrive as whole people in the land of light and love.  In this place we freely give to each other because we have become free and whole, and the fountain of life which contains beautiful energy flows from one to the other.  I have not experienced that yet, except from some beautiful young gifted children who have seen clearly who I am and brought gifts to me.  The problem is that these beautiful children are owned by others and can’t come here to live, even though they wish they could.  I remain in a difficult position right now because the rainbow fountain has a need to flow freely, but that rainbow fountain causes energetic changes in the people who drink from it, and so I wait for the growth of anyone who can become energetically strong enough to contain the freedom and light and join me in the beautiful positive land that I have moved to and become.  And I am very curious to know how it would feel to be the recipient of the fountain as it flows through another person.  WOW!  That would be joy.  ……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Today is Memorial Day.  I will say that I have been feeling very sad because it is another day of not being remembered on the earth.  But I have just been given an amazing gift!  OMG!  A former student of mine who was one of the young children who became very psychically connected to me and is an incredibly gifted person in many ways but was taken away from me, has told me telepathically that she is going to be with me today.  She knows that I need a friend today, and she deeply loves me and wishes she could hang out in person.  We’ve hiked together before and had so much fun.  She is with me today as a beautiful angel person.  I feel her love, and I love her, and the rainbow fountains are keeping busy.  She will leave tonight, but what a joyful surprise gift for today!

I know where I am.  I am in the land of love and light and peace.  It’s very beautiful here.  I see that the earth is just a paradigm that people somehow think is a real place.  I know that endless control games are being played in that lower level paradigm.  I know that there is so much pain and suffering and going round and round on the same merry go round forever.  I know that pieces of the light are pulled into that place and used to keep it watered and fed.  But I also know that as much as possible, considering that I live in a body, I am fully on that “new shore”.  Right now I see that it is so incredibly peaceful and playful and joyful and sunny.  I am trying to see what is happening here, and I can’t find anyone else except my sister who lives in the other world and has been my friend and helper on the long journey here.  I see that I am waiting for playmates.  It is fresh and new, clean and pure.  I just cannot imagine why we ever even invented the other insane paradigm.  The addictive distractions that are a necessary part of the other paradigm do not exist in this one.  We don’t need them here.  The joy of sharing and playing keeps us happy and satisfied, along with the joy of exploring our own talents and gifts and continually creating newness and life, which is then shared.  It is a continuous regeneration.                                                                                                                …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Most amazing thing——–I have a part time church music job, so I have to go to church.  This morning after I wrote the above, I went to church and everything that was said and sung fit exactly with what I had written above, except that it was about god and not about the truth of the real person.  The beautiful place where I am, the “kingdom” has been foreseen, but earth has dirtied and twisted the beauty to fit their warped control systems.  One thing that the minister said just as an aside was, “And a little child shall lead them”.  Again I was amazed because a little girl has been providing me with instructions for building this beautiful planet and has given me insight into future directions.  So I wait to see where this is all going.

This weekend is a deep trial for me.  I have been given many endless trials and testings because my soul wants me to be the strongest possible human being I can be.  It happens this way:  I, being a people person and loving to spend time and share with people, find myself either facing total aloneness and entertaining myself, or I spend time with false people who are living through a mask and don’t have a clue what is real.  Both ways feel isolated.  The first way causes me to have to pull from the deepest resources of myself in order to survive.  I do understand why solitary confinement is a huge punishment.  The second way is merely an unsatisfactory and momentary distraction from the incredibly difficult hard work that is required to survive in the first way.  This weekend is Saturday through Monday, which means an added day of pulling from my deepest resources.  I can and will do it.  I can survive and grow even stronger.  My deepest resources draw from the sunlight and the living water.  The painful trials draw the rainbow waters up so that they are free to flow with nothing at all to stop them.  I think that as long as I am utterly isolated, I will feel suffering and pain, but I will NOT fall back into the ways of earth.  Someday people will join me in the land of love and light and living water, and the long time that I’ve spent in suffering and growing in the light and withstanding earth’s pull back down into circular falseness and mask relationships will give way to deeply satisfying relationships and ways of living.  Earth relationships only skim the surface and end up causing pain and no real satisfaction and stand out in sharp contrast to the deep friendships between purified light people which bring both deep satisfaction and mind blowing joy.  Someday the seed that I am growing will grow bigger and bigger, and people will learn that deep friendships and truly caring and sharing with one another from the point of view of the positive real world will be the answer to ALL the problems of this insane earth that we now live on.  These relationships will come from the point of view of equality.  We will know that race or gender or country is superior to another one.  We are all beautiful human beings. 

Entering a very silent holiday weekend.  Isolation causes my earth body deep stress.  I am a people person.  I LOVE sharing and laughing and playing and running in the sun.  I love drinking from the fountain of living rainbow water that flows from the center of my beautiful sunshine planet.  I have so much beauty and love to offer, so much happiness.  So strange that negative earth finds this kind of simple happiness to be many things other than what it is.  The main thing, though, is that earth people are so caught up in their various negative paradigms that they honestly do not have time or thought for true happiness and love.  Earth has SO many distractions that are so mesmerizing.  I feel that I have become a sun, pure and simple and full of real love and truth.  I believe, despite the fact that my earth body suffers from aloneness, that it is my responsibility alone to become ever stronger and more beautiful so that someday the power of love will become more mesmerizing than earth’s distractions.  I would love to have people with me this weekend, but at the moment I remain in silent aloneness.  There are a couple of people who might spend time with me if I call them, one being my “winter entertainment” person whom I have mentioned before.  He would watch a movie with me or take a walk, but he has clearly and unequivocally shown me that he is totally embedded in the negative world and cannot even see the light that is me, and so I choose aloneness over non reality.  I could also go to a singles event, but the same thing happens.  Non reality reigns, and I leave unsatisfied and drained because the real me had no place to exist.  So at the moment the real me exists in a world of brilliance and aloneness and works to grow stronger and utterly solidfied in the light.

The land of light is not some far off place to be lived in one’s imagination or in some far distant future.  We are on earth in the present moment as our finite minds define that concept.  We are in our bodies.  Becoming one with ourselves means that our spirits actually soak into our bodies.  I think our minds have quite a task in continually defining and determining what is happening and how to best live in this new manner, not in a self centered way, but in a way that best allows the seeds of light to grow into large living organisms that can bring great happiness and a new way of living for all earth life.  This way of living, although it sometimes seems self centered to earth’s ways of thinking, is actually putting our spirits in control over our ego selves.  And as time goes on and forward movement progresses, the three parts of us are one, so we work in synchrony with ourselves to bring peace and harmony to the world.  Because the truth is that we are not separate from the world.  We are deeply connected to all of life.  This is actually what makes it so much more difficult.  We cannot go flying off into some far off beautiful land and not be a part of earth’s development, and yet earth people, who need our brilliant light seeds, shun us as if we have a wretched disease that will kill them if they catch it.  Yes, the light WILL dispell the darkness.  Yes, the darkness has a reason to fear the light.  But wouldn’t you rather be on the side of light, because then you don’t have to fear death.  You are real and alive!

It’s not an easy task to grow into oneself.  The Christian religion is a kind of mixed up prototype of the journey and requirements.  I say this because I was taught Christianity, and so my subconscious mind perceives things from this point of view.  Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, they say, the”three in one”.  Yes, but I call it every person’s mind, body and spirit.  I see the soul as being “all that is”.  The huge massive task is to become “three in one”, to become whole.  It actually is every person’s task.  The cross and suffering of Jesus is actually not something that someone else did for us, it IS us as we take the journey.  It does cause suffering and death from the negative thought sustems of the earth, and we ARE persecuted by people who are brainwashed into earth’s ways of thinking.  The earth has such a magnetic power with its twisted ways of thinking.  For those embedded in the Christian religion, the thought is that becoming involved in a church, working in that church, becoming one with the thought system of that church, (in other words, becoming brainwashed), is the answer.  Yes, what an easy way to go.  Jesus did it all, and we just need to give up our brains and sing in the choir.  That is one way of stopping the true journey.  Another would be lower level relationships where we can’t really be our true selves but that drug us with a false hope of finding true love, like the proverbial carrot on a stick in front of us.  Another way is drugs that take us to the beautiful world far before we have become the whole person that would actually bring us to the true “heaven”, which is a state of mind and a paradigm, a paradigm that could become worldwide if more people had the courage and initiative to actually become the light, not just look at it and wish they could.  Earth ways of escaping the truth are myriad, twisted and mesmerizing, but the truth is that we alone, ourselves as individual people, are the only ones who can change the world.  No outside force that we give ourselves to, no control system that we join to make us brain dead, will get us there.  The responsibility is ours.  The journey is so difficult—-you know, the camel and the eye of the needle and all that—-but the end results are more beautiful than anything imaginable by our brainwashed minds at the moment.  I see myself, after years of hard work and loss, aligning the three parts of me so that there is no way that anything or anyone could ever separate me from me.  I see that my aloneness is purposeful, even though aloneness is the VERY last thing that my body self would have chosen.  (In fact, it wasn’t even on my list of choices.)  I continue on, again wondering how I will be able to accomplish my goals, but knowing that I’m totally on the right road, the road of being a whole integrated beautiful human being.

I’m soaring in the clouds this morning.  It’s a paradox because this weekend is another long holiday weekend.  Holidays are so difficult for me because my regular student schedule is disrupted, and I have to add one more day of trying to figure out how to entertain myself alone.  Bike, watch movies, take myself on a picnic, a little shopping, some practicing, talking to my 80 yr old only friend that I have, checking to see if there are any cool musical events or plays to see, and a little bit of doing chores.  I know how to entertain myself and get through these long weekends, but it never ceases to be a somewhat painful chore.  I am a person who finds great joy in sharing life with others through the freedom of a dancing playful spirit.  A couple of years ago I went to London and spent some time with a 25 yr old  guy from Pakistan.  We had a blast because he put aside the whole unexamined blocked up parts of himself and allowed himself to really play.  I showed him how to swing on a swing, and he told me that I made him feel young again.  That’s me.  I spent some time in the winter with a guy that I now call “winter entertainment”.  He was amazed by how much he was laughing and playing.  He’s long gone now because he, like everyone else that I meet and spend some time with, had not freed himself of the many boxes that we and society put ourselves in to keep us safe and protected.  But we are only safe and protected from our beautiful childlike, dancing, creative and playful spirits.  I have moved to the paradigm of the land of freedom, a land that will be occupied by free spirited whole people.  It has cost me everything except myself.  I am very fortunate that I have great health and the ability to still look quite young, and I have wonderful students.  Every once in a while I’m given little joyful gifts, like going to a students house on Easter sunday and having a great and fun dinner, biking on a Saturday with another student and talking with my 80 yr old friend who can see the land of freedom but is unable to move here.  But most of my time is alone.  That is painful, but the pain of going back into the other paradigm far outweighs the loneliness.  It’s so strange that we in the United States think that we live in the land of freedom.  USA people are locked in familial ties, customs, religions, business rules, habits, restrictions and expectations of society.  Many of us still believe in a heavenly place in some far off future where everything will be better and some nebulous god will take care of us and make us completely happy.  “It ain’t gonna happen, people”.  We ourselves are responsible for ourselves and our own growth.  The only answer is for peope to have the courage to climb higher, and so I do hope so much that soon people will begin to join with me into this beautiful positive paradigm, and we can dance together.  I have no doubt that the shared joys of freedomhood will multiply by the thousands.  Two people interacting from the land of freedom and love will be unmatched by even the most beautiful two people interacting from the negative paradigm.