I’m having trouble writing today.  My thoughts are sort of not happening.  I am sitting very quietly in my sunshiny garden that is so full of love and caring.  I know that the care and love that I have for myself is growing stronger everyday.  I know that I’ve always been there for everyone, no matter how they treated me, and now I’m totally there for me, even though this is SO difficult.  That’s why I’m centered in growing light.  All my energy is my energy.  I don’t even know what’s happening in the darkness that is outside of the light that I’m in because I’m not looking at it anymore like I have been.  I do see some great confusion out there, but there is nothing that I can do about it.  I see some forward movement, but I can’t do anything about that, either.  One of my songs from the past says, “What if it’s true if you stand in your own light, the world’s at your command.  What if it’s true if you’re centered in yourself, your dreams will be reality.  What if it’s true that you can magnetize, materialize.  Force doesn’t work, war doesn’t work.  It’s scary to stand in your own truth.  Every person has a power of their own, everyone can find out what’s true…………..Bring the whole world to the truth.  Personal power will bring it to pass…………….”  My little student said on Wednesday that all the light was inside the room we were in, and it was surrounded by darkness and confusion.  She began despairing, and I told her to turn and look at hope and at the light that has formed and become focused.  Suddenly she saw that the light world would one day contain MANY people, and she began dancing around the room.  Then we turned to the song she was working on, and she was amazed.  “It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears………”  And then she loudly sang, “It’s a huge world, after all……………..”  I am waiting in the light for growth.  As I’ve said before, it is the nature of light to  synthesize, to come together and grow bigger and stronger.  It is the nature of darkness and disease to disintegrate, to fall apart.  The darkness fed on light to keep it going.  No more.  Maybe it really IS possible for one courageous person to change the entire world.  It’s a wonderful hope, at least.

Today I see myself fully settled and sitting in the beautiful sunshiny garden.  I am sitting on a rock with my feet dangling in the creek.  This is a bit unsettling to my ego, but my ego is not in control of me.  My spirit is totally in control of me, and my spirit is teaching my ego that we are absolutely best friends with each other.  We don’t need anyone else at all. In saying that, I am not saying that I don’t wish to have beautiful friendships and lots of fun with people.  I am a very fun person who LOVES to laugh and do many things.  The one thing that I miss the most in alone land is that there is no one to laugh and share with me.  But my own strength and peace in having faced my deepest fear of aloneness is growing stronger every day.  I have NEVER EVER in my life life had anyone at all who actually loved me and cared about me, and so I have allowed less than the best so that I wouldn’t have to live life in loneliness.  Now I know that I can live without family, relationships or friends.  I don’t need a guy who wants what he can get from me, and if he can’t have it without caring about me or giving in equal return, he runs.  I don’t need sons who refuse to see the beautiful giving and caring person who is their mother, and who don’t want me when I ask them to REALLY see me and care about ME.  I don’t need friends who care about me until I bump up against one of their weaknesses, and then they instantly trash me.  I stand FULLY centered in the light of my own beautiful self, knowing that I can completely take care of myself without having to accept ANYONE’S shit!  It is a place of strength, because never again will I go down.   NEVER!  But people don’t know what they are missing out on.  In this place of cleaned out purity and light and total connection with myself, I have HUGE amounts of love to pour out.  The rainbow fountain is gushing with light and love, even though there is no one here to drink from it.  I sit on the rock, and I can see one thing.  J’s spirit (whom I sent back, because not only can my body be alone now, but my spirit is friends with my body and doesn’t need a disembodied spirit hanging around with no body) is standing beside his body and looking at me.  He is saying, “Come on, man.  Why are you staying in the land of death and negativity when it’s all happening in the light.  I’m bored as hell waiting for you”.  And that spirit is pacing, but I won’t let him back into the light as a spirit alone.  The light will continue to grow stronger and stronger, because that is the nature of light and health.  I will admit that my ego sometimes cries from loneliness, but I pick myself up and find a way to nurture and care for myself, because I will never go back to darkness, no matter what!!!!! 

I’m spending a lot of extra teaching time to make up students that I missed while in Seattle.  It’s so good to be back with my students again.  We love each other and have so much fun together.  In a way my students feel like a family to me.  They definitely care about me more than anyone in my life, and they know I’m a beautiful free spirited person and accept me for being that.  I did have one woman quit because my healed free spirited self pissed her off, but —–what can I say?  She had many unresolved problems and chose to live with them and not move forward and get pissed at me instead.  Anyhow, my darling little psychic student came yesterday.  I told her that I was feeling sad because the 4th of July was coming up, and I would be spending yet another holiday alone.  She said the coolest thing!  She said that I have become independent from all the negativity of life, and I’m standing in the most beautiful space.  She said that I’m the sun, and I am solid in that I won’t ever go back down to negativity or to letting people treat me like I’m less than I am.  I am in a positive happy place, even though I’m VERY lonely, which is never easy.  But she said to CELEBRATE my independence.  So I’m going to think of how I can do that.  (Needless to say, I gave her a huge hug.)…………………What is it that I want in relationships.  I know what I want.  Equality, empathy, caring about the needs and wants of each other, knowing that every person has the same beautiful spirit that is to be respected. I told a guy once that it hurt me so much that he would stop by here to have sex, and then he wouldn’t communicate with me again until next time.  His utterly coldhearted response was to tell me that I would never see him again if I wouldn’t do what he wanted, despite how it made me feel, and then to throw away my phone number.  Of course, I would say that that is pretty extreme inequality, but I’ve been treated in this way in so many other ways that I couldn’t begin to mention them all.  Warmth and caring about how our behavior affects the other person is a requirement in an equal relationship.  And I’ve learned that when someone makes me feel bad, they usually ARE being very unfair and unequal to me.  Women try so hard to please and to think that the other person really isn’t a coldhearted ass that they tend to disqualify their own feelings.  Men always are “sensitive”, which isn’t really the case at all.  They’ve been taught that their little immature egos are GODS.  Beautiful, caring, loving, soul satisfying relationships of all kinds can only take place between and among people who have grown up and are able to look past thier own little noses and care about each other.  Many women, on the other hand, have to learn that we ourselves have to take care of our own selves before anyone else will care about us the way we truly and deeply want.  There really is no person on earth who doesn’t want beautiful friendships and work relationships and families and all of it, but it can’t be done in immature negativity.  Why would anyone want that anyhow.  It all leads to living very unhappily with divorce and estrangement and hurt and anger.  What’s the problem with growing up and learning a better way?  What’s the problem with learning to respect each other and not be boundary smashers and just enjoying each other.  One of my songs again, “We have our own agendas, we each are unique.  but sharing life together creates a bond that’s sweet.  Through joining souls together, we come to know ourselves on a deeper level, and life is complete”.   

I am writing a second entry for today.  I said two things earlier this morning.  One was that I didn’t know what my body had to do with this, and the other was that there is a beautiful male spirit who is terribly happy to be in this space with me.  With further thought I have decided that I will find the energy required to send J’s spirit away.  For some strange reason, we ARE body and spirit and mind, not just spirit.  One part of us cannot be ecstatically happy and give the other part a free ride.  Wholeness is the requirement to be in this space.  J’s spirit is happy here, but I am not happy.  I cannot split myself apart and have a happy spirit and an unhappy body.  If my body is to be lonely, then my spirit will be lonely also.  I am one with me.  I will only be happy in wholeness, so goodbye, beautiful spirit whom I love.

I wrote in yesterday’s entry that I am a rainbow sun.  Today as I meditate I find myself sitting in the beautiful center of that sun.  I am back from my trip, my house is very quiet, and I am alone again.  I enjoyed talking with various people in the airport, in the city, on the airplane.  I actually talked a lot because I am a very talkative friendly person, so coming back to alone is difficult, to say the least.  I am alone because I have fully faced all issues and all problems and climbed so very high.  When I talk with people, I really have nothing to hide or hold back, although I’m smart enough to know that some people are so blocked that they aren’t worth the effort of trying because they will make me feel as if I’m being murdered.  It’s amazing how terribly angry people get when I hit up against their blocked up areas.  One man told me that he lived on the surface and could only go in about one inch.  He’s the one who told me that I might be satanic.  But I’ve gone all the way to the center and lost everything in the process, so I have nothing left to lose.  I’m already completely alone and know that people are afraid of true beauty and love.  I am more and more becoming my soul in my own quietness.  I realize that almost everyone thinks that they are their bodies and that this life is all there is and that their own small truth is actual truth.  Of course, this is changing somewhat with computer world and lots of flying around and mixing cultures, but still boxes are the rule.  I haven’t really figured out why I have a body.  I know that my body has done a HUGE amount of work to move forward, and I know that outer situations have been testing grounds for spiritual growth, but I would love to have an explanation for why it’s all put together in this form.  Anyhow, I sit in the center of the rainbow sun, but I’m not alone in there.  My most beautiful male spirit friend (J) is bringing me gifts today.  He always has a huge smile on his face.  Is that because I quit fighting him to try to make him stay in his body and not come and live with me.  I can’t work up any more energy to send him back.  And so my body self is so lonely, but my spirit self has a beautiful friend.  I would be so happy if it could all be one and together because this spirit is such a JOY!

Just arrived home from Seattle.  My seatmate on the airplane this morning was a beautiful woman from Colorado with warm energy.  She works in technology, which she says is zapping her spirit (the companies are).  She had just been visiting a family member’s graduation from a naturopathic type school where they talked about all the things that I talk about, especially about the beautiful colored light energy of the spirit that glows from within.  They talked about how difficult it was going to be to go out into the world and bump into the hard energy of the earth.  We had a wonderful long discussion and  recognized each other’s energy and made a huge healing energy field around ourselves.  It was a beautiful surprise to encounter a like-minded person out of all the people in the airport.  She, at this point, isn’t living in the pure energy or purified herself, but she really wants to.  She talked about us being drops of light energy to gradually wear away the earth’s hardness.  Another lady that I talked with spoke of being candles, but I am neither.  I have, with great effort and persistence and courage, etc., become a giant rainbow sun.  One of my songs talks about standing fully in our own power and light and truth, no matter how difficult, and eventually we will magnetize.  I don’t know about that yet.  My soul has forced me to, step by step and gradually, stand fully and alone.  I anxiously await the time when the benefits are reaped, and the world begins to see.  This place of openness and love is vulnerable, sensitive and difficult, but—–what else can I say?  “I dream of this new world, I see it in my mind.  Wish we could all leave the other world behind.” …………It was difficult standing fully in my own light as I was with my son.  People always say that they go back and visit their parents, and they’ve changed so much, but their family pulls them back to the old ways.  In this case, it’s the parent who had to stand in the new way.  Anyhow, my son is a guy, and guys think that they will lose their male identity or ego if they grow into the light of their own true self.  Macho ego—what’s the point?  It blocks off beauty, love, happiness, joy of living, recognition of truth.  The spirits of my new friend and me danced and played together today.  We hugged as we got off the plane. 

I’m not sure if I’m saying the right things because it’s terribly difficult to talk about the nebulous workings of the unconscious. I see clearly one thing, though. The unconscious has a plan and is very real and wants to move forward through a human body to a better world. And it doesn’t care what that human has to do to get there. It doesn’t care about loss and grief and pain because connections from the place of ego aren’t real and eternal anyhow. They’re what we do on earth and who we think we are. And I’ve clearly discovered that if I didn’t play my earth roles right, no one wanted me anymore. No one at all. Not father, mother, husband, sons, best friend, jobs, etc. I am visiting one of my sons in Seattle, and we are relating in a detached way which will be much more detached when I go home. I don’t feel as if I know him at all. I am in a better place, though, than I used to be. I used to long for love and caring. I knew in my heart that any so-called love in my life wasn’t real and could disappear at any time. The minister at the church where I used to work was so right when he said that love and God are not the same thing. LOVE is what is real and true. Only connections from truth and purity can satisfy and be real and lasting. One of my songs says, “Anything that hurts the true self is unclean”. So love is a place of having lost what is not true and ultimately hurtful, and then of connecting to one’s own deepest true self. I know about losing and connecting to myself more and more, but I don’t know yet about relationships from this new point of view. Even my long-term friendship with the old man never seemed real. It was never satisfying, and I never trusted that it would last. Our friendship was based on two things. He was a very negative earth person who had done no purifying at all, and I was constantly straining to move forward, constantly working and growing and changing. He would think that I had grown as much as it was possible to grow, but there was ALWAYS more. He had the ability to see very deeply into me and articulate what he saw, so he constantly climbed to where I was and “read” me. It injected him with light so that he could live in his dark place, and it helped me to see so much more of who I am and what I’m doing. But I always knew that we didn’t stand on solid ground, and he could drop me in an instant, as everyone has………..So I try to think about relationships built on reality, and I’m guessing. Seems like they would be simple with no head spinning or game playing, but there would be lots of playful playing because the true self LOVES to have fun and dance and play. They would be trusting, satisfying , homey, warm, helpful, dependable.  The two people would have evolved soul eyes and be able to know and understand each other. They would be a reflection of a person’s relationship with his/her own self.

Sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Seattle this morning.  Such a different flavor than midwest USA.  OMG!  The air is so fresh, and there are endless gorgeous flowers.  Most yards are made of flowers and bushes instead of grass.  I love it!  Last night I took a walk downtown, and a man in a business suit stopped me, looked at me and said that I was beautiful and I made his day brighter because he saw me, and then he kissed my hand.  I said, “Thank you”!  He said, No, thank YOU” and walked on.  The owner of the motel where I stayed said I could move here and manage his motel and was extra friendly to me.  These comments are fun and refreshing and make me feel as if I’m still a member of the human race, but they are just fun surface comments (although I think the people are seeing deeper), and I don’t in any way forget the craziness of human nature and the evil that is going on in SO many ways every day on negative earth.  I continue on in my deepest loneliness with the dawning realization of the great gift of aloneness that I am given (although I certainly hope that I don’t remain this way forever).  It is the opportunity to crawl ALL of me into my spirit and become truly fantastically beautiful and alive.  I wish that I knew totally what that means.  My soul takes me places with just clues and bread crumbs for my ego self to follow.  But forward movement never stops when the soul is guiding, and it seems that becoming completely whole first before I can help others do the same is the direction.  It seems as if daily unexpected experiences are helping me to finish off the raw edges that might be left.  I wish that I could make it go faster, but I am overcoming lifetimes of being the other way.

I woke up this morning with the realization that my body (my ego?) is more and more dissolving into my soul. What does that mean? Does it mean that I am becoming a completely whole person, totally one with myself? The man at the motel desk said to me this morning that people are of two minds. I immediately said, “Not me”. Anyhow, it’s like my old man friend was holding a piece of me to the earth, and he is draining more and more from me as time goes on without his friendship, and now there is nothing to hold me to the earth (or maybe I should say that there is nothing to hold me from dissolving into my true self). I talk with people, but I can’t understand the meaning and purpose of their existence. And the thing of it is, I LONG, absolutely LONG, to leave the world of negativism and split apart people and actual non-existence and to become FULLY real and alive. Every fiber of my being aches for this. It’s almost as if I’ve been around and around on the wheel of life for thousands of years, and this time I realize the utter failure of this world and the meaningless of daily existence. Wars, starvation, disease, greed, dominance, escapism, this culture, that culture, separation………..I no longer can comprehend. There’s a deep grief as I walk into my self, while at the same time a deep longing for a new me and a new way. My beautiful male spirit friend (name starting with J) came to me with a giant hug and smile yesterday as I was sitting by a beautiful mountain stream. He told me that he is pulling forward with me. OMG What if I could pull the whole world through a knothole and into the beautiful new sun.

I am in beautiful Seattle.  Had quite a conversation on the airplane with my seatmate.  I think that I am sent daily information in various forms to help me advance to be the spirit person that I am becoming.  He is a social worker who is now directing an institution that works with disabled children.  He asked me endless questions, and since I have nothing to hide, I talked a lot.  He began to get a bit upset as our conversation continued.  I told him that my family of origin thinks I’m “satanic” because I’m outside their very narrow minded belief system.  I told him about my little piano student who says that a beautiful part of her exists because she receives light energy from me, which I receive directly from the sun (or I AM the sun).  I told him other things that she said (written in yesterday’s entry).  He asked me what books she read that would give her such ideas.  I said that books could be an explanation, but what about all the other people who have said and had the same experiences with pretty much the same words as her when they are around me.  He said, “Maybe you really ARE satanic!”  OMG!   I felt a powerful knife stab go through me.  He said that I need to figure out a way to talk with people that would make them understand me, which I say that this is far beyond just mere understanding………..So I continue on with more realizations.  This beautiful place exists, and I am one with it.  I know I am growing much stronger and more aware everyday.  Some understand, some would like to kill, but I want to grow more powerful in simple love and beauty.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if others would begin to be like my student, full of light and innocence, and the world would become a place of lightbeings with a completely different purpose than the world as it is now.  There is something that works inside me to bring me forward at all times.  It never stops or gives up.  It is strong and powerful.  I believe it is in every person, but no one has the courage to follow it because it’s endless.  I believe that it is endless until the whole world exists in love and positive light, and I will never stop.  It is an adventure, albeit a painful one.  It takes courage beyond courage, but since life has given me pretty much nothing, what else do I do but have hope, courage, love, patience, fortitude.