Last night was a sleepless night for me.  An incident happened with my son, and I realize that I must remain standing in the center of myself.  I don’t want to write about the incident, because there are too many details.  I will just say that I’ve spent my life being there for people, no matter what, but people are not there for me, and they drop me and hurt me on a whim and get upset with me if I try to let them know how I feel.  I think about women around the world, and I know we are treated this way in so many places.  But I am particularly treated this way.  That’s why I’m standing centered in me alone (although I see spirit friends from the universe with me).  I always in the past reached out and didn’t maintain my centeredness (I was scattered) because of an unspoken rule that says if I don’t continue to be there and go outside of myself and give to everyone, then they will leave me, and I will have no life.   And this has been the biggest most giant test that could ever be.  I have totally and fully faced that fear.  I have in every way made the decision that if people don’t realize my value and make the effort to reach back, then I will just let them leave.  I’m still tested and so very alone, and I still don’t know if anyone will realize that their life is better with me in it.  I remember my ex husband saying to me that I wasn’t worth loving, and that he would never ever reach out of himself to care about me.  And J was exactly the same way as my ex when I told him I didn’t want just sex on a whim on his part with no real relationship.   He threw away my phone number and was VERY clear in letting me know that I wasn’t worth any more than that to him.  (That’s why I’ve had to get his spirit away from me.)  But I finally came to the realization that EVERYONE in my life lives by that same unspoken rule.  One way that I can tell that that rule hasn’t really changed yet, no matter that I’ve gone the ENTIRE way to total aloneness, thereby passing every test that my soul set up, is that no one at all cares enough to even discuss what is going on with me, or ask me why I am not in their lives.  And they still get angry when I stand my ground, and they refuse to look at themselves.  I know my sons (and so do others) miss me like hell and are actually depressed because we are not with each other, and yet they will not pass their part of the new test—which is to step past their self-centeredness and learn to give and care, also.  It’s very difficult for me to remain where I am, but I know if I step out of my new, actually beautiful, space and back into the old one, I will lose everything that I’ve worked so hard for.  Relearning from the point of view of equality is very difficult, and I don’t know what is going to happen next.  I do know that, as I’ve said before, there is NO god who is going to come out of the sky and make us better more caring people.  We ourselves have to lift ourselves up to a higher way of living.

Wish I knew what is going on inside of me.  Went inside this morning, and there was J again.  But this time it wasn’t his spirit; it was his very large soul.  He told me that I had done my job of getting him to start standing on his own two feet, and now his soul was in charge.  He said I could rest and finally start doing some things for me.  It is true that I am exhausted from all the work that I’ve done to get J’s spirit to go back to his body.  His soul looked very capable of taking charge.  Damn, I wish I knew what this all meant.  Anyhow, I am beginning to do some renovations on my beautiful little cabin in the woods in the middle of the city.  I haven’t really had the energy because of all the work I’ve been doing to get all of me in the light, and then to get J to stop trying to live off of my light.  It also takes a lot of energy to be completely alone without really having family or friends or anyone to depend on for anything.  We really do draw energy from community, but right now I am drawing it ALL from myself.  The problem is that community takes energy, also, and I want to build community based on people who can stand on their own and share their energy with each other.

It’s early in the morning.  I sit on my beautiful porch in the woods surrounded by trees and birds.  A young Mexican guy who doesn’t speak English was renovating my bathroom yesterday.  I actually speak a bit more Spanish than he speaks English, but I had to keep running to my English to Spanish dictionary on my computer to try to communicate.  I told him, “So sorry.  Yo estoy (soy?) muy estupido in espanol”  He said that I wasn’t, that I was muy bonita, very beautiful.  Wow!  I think he’s younger than my sons.  Anyhow, it was fun having him here.  I hope that he meant that I, not my body, am a beautiful person.  I have been having deep longings for a hug lately, and it is dawning on me this morning that the longings that I have are really longings to be completely and totally enfolded in my beautiful soul.  I goddam LOVE my soul.  I want to KNOW my soul and trust my soul and, as much as possible, become my soul.  I think that means that I want more than anything to become my real self.  I remember my aunt from the past telling me that she had fallen in love with Jesus and found that he was so sweet.  I think that Jesus is symbolic of a person’s real self, but she had absolutely no clue that she herself was beautiful, and she had no clue how to integrate the beauty of her real self with her body self.  “Jesus” was separate from her.  No, the earth has so repeatedly failed me, and I can find no real love there at all.  The land of sunshine and happiness is where truth and love exists, and I want to become that and to exude it, no matter what people think.

Everyday I try to sink in and see what is happening in the real world.  Life on the outside is so difficult with problems everywhere.  I find myself again centered in sunshine.  The sunshine seems to be smiling and happy and inviting and sending out encouraging rays.  In my earth life I am very separate from people.  I find myself completely unable to connect deeply with anyone.  I KNOW why.  The reason that I am in the sunshine is because I have cleared earth’s biases and negativities and control systems out of my brain and cells, but I don’t know anyone else who has done that.  I know a few people who have somewhat done that, but they always have a huge sacred cow somewhere, and I always manage to bump up against it, and then it’s too late.  And their response hurts me to the depths because, in clearing myself out and purifying myself, I am totally open and vulnerable.  So I realize that I trust no one at all now, absolutely no one.  I have tried to continue to trust a little, but I have always been proven wrong in doing so.  It is incredibly difficult for a person like me who is totally real and open and honest to survive on this earth.  And so I am continuing to do my jobs and communicate a little with people, but basically I am alone in the beautiful sunshine, waiting for others to arrive.  I still feel very confused as to why this beautiful, actually glorious, spiritual light being that I am is having to be contained within my dense earth body. I am constantly searching for intellectual understanding of what is happening within me, but I only get glimpses and bits and pieces……………..I just thought of a book that was on my shelf, “Return of the Children of  Light” by Judith Polich.  I opened to a page that says, “We are now shifting from a frozen involutionary process into a dynamic evolutionary process.  As human god-seeds, our light is rising upward just as the sprout rises and reaches to the light.  As we reach upward, we pull ourselves from the lower frequency of matter to higher, more refined realms.  As we become fully conscious, we will raise all matter to a higher frequency, literally infusing all matter with higher vibrations of light”  WOW!  Anyhow, I wrote a song about five years ago, “Once we are whole, we can magnetize, materialize.”  But for now I remain alone with many unanswered questions.

My wonderful shield kind of fell down today, and I have to set it back up.  I have a dear friend named R who played in a band with me in the past.  We love each other to death and have been through a lot together.  He has been a real friend, but we have to keep a great distance between us, because we’re actually quite attracted to each other, but he’s married and has been forever.  Our attraction is built on deep respect for each other’s abilities and intellect, plus we both absolutely love camping and biking and playing music and doing musical things.  I was the leader of the band (as a paid job) and, as a leader, I greatly challenge everyone.  He was always standing up for me when I pissed everyone off.  He said that, in his opinion, when the tide is rising you should hop on and catch a ride.  Everyone in the band became better musicians.  Anyhow, we saw each other yesterday, and I know how he really feels about me.  It is so not based on lust, but I was really thinking about how nice it would be to be with him, and, all of a sudden, J rode in on my thoughts.  I told him that no assholes who didn’t care about me could be in here, and he said (telepathically) that he wasn’t an asshole.  He was trying to work some things out.  I wouldn’t let him say anymore, but I can see him behind the shield, feeling somewhat contented that he got to communicate with me for a second.  Why he can’t pick up the phone in person and talk is beyond my wildest imagination, and I have a pretty good imagination!……….I’m having thoughts that I’m not this body at all, and it seems strange that I’m teaching a piano method based on western 21st century thought systems, contained in a time and space slot, when really the real me is a part of ALL time and space.  Why did I choose this teeny little space/time right now?  Who are all these bodies walking around who think they REALLY are these bodies?  How did we ever get so terribly confused.  How did we ever get locked in such incredible limitation.  We’re struggling so hard to move forward out of all the earth problems that we have, but the earth is a mess.  How can we EVER solve earth’s problems from the space of limitation?  Wish my thoughts and I could progress faster.  

I see myself dancing in the center of the sun.  I have come to a place of knowing for absolutely sure that I can carry on with my life and have the best life I can by myself.  I know that I don’t have to have dysfunctional relationships where I am put down and made to feel less than I really am as a human being.  Even more than that, I know that I do not want any sort of relationship with a guy that isn’t based on a beautiful growing friendship.  Sex is of utmost importance to guys, so, many times, they are attracted to someone for sex, and then they do whatever they have to do to be with that person so that they can get what they want.  I want nothing to do with that, and this is one of the areas that I realize I can be alone.  (By the way, sex alone is really fun!)  The reason that I can be alone is because that sort of relationship isn’t real, and it ends up being very hurtful.  I am a highly sensitive person, so why would I want to spend any more time at all being hurt.  As I said, I’m dancing in the sunshine, and there are some spirits with me.  I can make out the spirit of my little piano student.  Lo and behold, she came to her lesson yesterday and knew, so I’m not whacko!   I said earlier that she would understand the symbolism of the way that I decorated my studio.  She had a hard time focusing on her lesson because she was so “inside” the symbolism.  She said that everything fit together and had a deep meaning.  It fit together because it all means wholeness and the beauty of life in the sun.  I see J’s spirit trying his best to hang on and see what’s going on in the sun, but he’s having a really hard time.  I can’t do anything about it because if I let him in for a free ride, then I can’t really dance in the sun.  He wants to take and not give in return.  By the way, I met a lady in the mall and was talking about these things to her.  She said that the Bible says to give and expect nothing in return, to turn the other cheek.  I hate to say, but that’s a codependent attitude.  I’ve been a giver all my life, and everyone just takes and walks off and leaves me, and I’m standing with nothing at all until they need something again.  They have a life, and I don’t.  That kind of attitude builds unhealthy dependency.  Giving and receiving go together.  Of course, sometimes there are emergencies, and it’s so nice to have a giving friend, but I always hope to be giving in return, however I can.  I see an image of my old man friend as being skeletal and in grey darkness.  I know that I really upset him with a couple of things that I said, and he trashed me and is left with nothing.  We had a great happy friendship going, so it appears that he really made a wrong choice, from the image I’m picking up.  I said to him that soldiers are brainwashed in basic training.  They are made to believe that the others are the “enemy”, and it’s totally ok to kill the enemy.  American soldiers have been known to do quite a bit of indiscrimate killing.  Many soldiers have come back and gradually realized what they did, and are utterly appalled at themselves.  My older friend was a soldier in the Korean War, and he got very angry with me for saying this.  He said no American soldier would ever do anything wrong.  They were just doing their duty for thier country.  He would rather die as a lonely skeleton than examine sacred cows to see if they really are sacred. 

Things have changed on the inside and the outside since I first started writing these blogs.  I am actually more alone than before and yet becoming more peaceful by the day.  I bought a beautiful tapestry from the “hippie” store of a mandala.  I feel so unbelievably centered in the beautiful light.  It’s so good that I managed to get strong enough to make a shield around me so that I can fully absorb the centeredness and become the light without anyone at all stealing and using energy.  I need it all to absorb into my cells.  I used to be in many dysfunctional relationships, and my energy was so used up and scattered.  This is what I mean about the aloneness being so important.  No dysfunction at all is pulling me from me, and so I am absorbing my own light.  Believe it or not, I can still see J’s spirit.  He is outside the shield, setting up a little camp with a teeny little fire.  It is cold and primitive in contrast to the bright light and flowers and trees and waterfalls and sunshine and joy inside the shield.  His body is in the dark that surrounds the bright light.  Has his spirit left his body again?  His spirit wants so badly to be in the light with me.  The truth is that I would love to have him be here, but it isn’t possible unless he is willing to work for it and not steal it for free.  Anyhow I’m having fun buying things to decorate my studio; waterfall and flower and rainbow posters, silk plants, the mandala tapestry and a sun surrounded by a dark sky tapestry.  It’s really looking cool in there.  All symbolic of where I am right now.  I guarantee my little psychic student will totally love it when she sees it.  She gets it more and more everytime she comes.  She says the light is all contained in there, and darkness surrounds it everywhere. 

Today is less confusing than yesterday.  I clearly see that I’ve built a shield around myself so that no one can use me anymore unless they are willing to give in return.  In allowing people to use my beautiful light and energy, I myself allow them to stay less than they could be.  I am not shielding myself to make them grow up, though.  I am shielding myself so that I can have all of me contained within myself and my body.  I want to be a solid beautiful entity and to be fully the person that I really am.  J’s spirit has been utterly determined beyond determined to find a way to continue taking from me without growing up and giving and caring in return.  I see others, also.  This shield that I’ve built looks in the symbolic world like plexiglass.  J has his face pressed up against it yelling something at me, probably to let him in.  I can’t hear him.  I need the space to settle.  I hear some others crying out in a bit of distress.  It’s a rather strange thing to me, since I have been so UTTERLY alone to the point of thinking that if I died, no one would even notice.  Women have been this way forever, being the home person and the foundation instead of being real and whole and who they really are.  I guess I’ll just wait and see what is happening.  I remain alone in the land of beauty until the people around can grow up enough to care about me and take some responsibility, too.  Obviously I have been an enabler, but it has been MASSIVELY difficult for me to get out of that role! 

I try to write a blog everyday, but I feel quite confused today.  I have been on a forward path for a long time.  I am not in any way a fixed entity.  Every day I have to figure out where I am.  It’s as if I barely have a life, but my life is constantly happening.  Every once in a while when I feel terribly confused as to where I am, I stand on a timeline in the present moment.  I walk backward and see where I’ve been, and I walk forward to see what’s happening soon.  I tried that last night and this morning, and I can’t move at all.  I’m in the center, and everything is revolving around me, and I can’t budge.  That’s why I feel confused!  I know that I have become light, and light is filling my cells.  I had lunch with a lady yesterday who reads me (as so many have), and she said that the words “wholeness” and “centeredness” come to her mind now.  I saw a beautiful tapestry of a mandala with a center point and circular patterns around it.  I am there in the center.  Maybe tomorrow I can say what that means.  It is quite disconcerting to me to not be able to feel the forward movement.  She said she sees me as being at the place where I’ve been going to, and now I’m waiting for others to arrive, but they will come on their own timetable.  Well, that’s rather disconcerting to my earthbody self, but………….Then I opened up a book to a page that says a healer sends out healing vibrations that are higher than the people around him/her, thereby allowing people to have a space in which to heal their deep wounds.  Maybe I had to get here first (through endless climbing and hard work), so that I could help others arrive at a higher place.  Sure wish I could see these others in person and not just on the psychic level.  Then I recall that my little piano student said that people are dreaming about this beautiful place.  Time will tell.

I understand the imagery of Jesus being the suffering lamb and dying on a cross.  I know I probably sound really stupid for saying that I am doing universal work, and I myself wouldn’t know it if I hadn’t had at least twenty random people tell me the same stories and visions throughout the past twenty years.  The work that I am doing is holographic, and it is very difficult to understand why it has to be done in my body.  As I’ve said before, earth has been put together from the very beginning with the idea that the female is the foundational underlying background support and the male runs around and has affairs and whatever.  And the earth and nature is used and not really cared about .  The female and all of nature is rising up and claiming her power now.  It’s becoming fully evident that this is the ONLY way.  Talking does no good.  Understanding does no good.  The only thing that does any good is action.  Herein lies the cross and Jesus and everything that I was talking about above.  I myself have had to become completely lonely and die to everything that I wish I could have in order to fully reclaim all my own light and power that has been foundational to everyone and kept things going on a lower level.  I know that I may sound as if I’m talking nonsense.  There are still some people around me who read me, and they fully understand what I am saying.  I hope that I have some readers here who can grasp.  The female is coming home and refusing to be used and not cared about, and she is saying that if no one cares about her, she will care about herself alone.  All the energy that I have shared and spread out is coming back to my body and solidifying within me.  It will no longer go out indiscriminately and be used but unappreciated, with nothing given in return.  In doing this, I am the one who pays ALL the price of aloneness, but, as I’ve said, talking does not work.  Only action works.  J’s spirit was here again in the night, but I won’t let him in at all.  Damn, it takes energy and strength to keep him out.  I have come to believe that he and I have been doing this since the beginning of earth in some form or another.  He has always used me and not cared about me, and I am, in this lifetime, putting an eternal end to this repeating pattern.  I saw him sitting over by his body and pouting.  Pout away.  I have no respect for immature pouting men.  And, even though I’m alone, I have a lot to do today.