I know that I am learning lessons in aloneness that I MUST learn for further growth  and evolution of the human species.  I must learn peace and how it feels.  I must learn to love peace and lack of fighting over all else.  I must experience it, because true learning has to be experiential.  There is no way to be truly peaceful in this crazy world as it is, but I am experiencing it right now.  It is not easy to be peaceful when truly alone without even having friends, but it is a necessary part of my evolution, and I know that.  It is not something that I’ve ever wanted to do, but my only choices are to be used by people who don’t really care about the true me or to be alone.  Once I’ve fully learned peace, I think that I will be forever different.  Evolution—–very slow and very continual forward movement.

WOW!  I am all the way in alone land with just me.  I knew years ago that I was coming to this place, and it really frightened me, and I dreaded it with everything in me.  All of my life, since I was a very little girl, I have felt so lonely.  I’ve had various relationships, but everyone of them made me be a role or an object or fit a societal pattern.  Strangest thing is that, in becoming just me, absolutely no one wants me in their world.  The thing that is happening, though, is that the beautiful spirit that is me, the beautiful garden that is me, is becoming my best friend.  I am working really hard on my house to make it more reflective of who I am, garden-like and beautiful.  Yesterday one of my students’ mother came in and saw my studio which I have recently decorated.  She said that it seemed so much like me, and that it felt very peaceful.  In truth I am the loneliest that I’ve ever been in my entire life, but I feel less lonely in my heart.  My heart doesn’t ache like it used to.  I’m feeling flowers blooming around me and inside me.  I don’t know the meaning of this, and I wish that I could share this beauty with someone, but no one wants it. 

WOW!  The war is over.  I felt depressed all week as I was working up to the big battle with my son, who did his final massive putdown of me.  The real truth is that he has chosen to live in deepest negativity, and I have chosen to live positively, and the two don’t mix.  I’m not going back to that world of darkness.  And my war with J’s spirit is over.  He’s back to himself or wherever he went.  Anyhow the joy of my beautiful spirit and garden is welling up in me.  By myself alone, I’m coming up with a thousand ideas of things that make me happy.  I’m practicing lovely music on my beautiful Yamaha grand piano.  I’m working hard on making my wonderful little woods cabin house more pleasing and organized.  That’s another way to use the huge creative river that flows through me.  And, of course, I’m continuing to enjoy nature.  There are so many wonderful art movies and other movies to enjoy and concerts and music to listen to.  There’s the bookstore to browse and coffee shops.  Yes, I’m doing it alone, but many times I end up having conversations with people that are fun and uplifting.  And I love my students and my studio.  What a joy!  For the first time, alone in the land of positive is infinitely better than trying to stay in the land of negative where everyone blames me for everything.  In that land I absorb other people’s negativities, and they feel better while I feel terrible and always spinning around trying to figure out what I did wrong.  In this land I feel my own joy and life’s joy.  No one is taking it away from me.  The things that I am doing feel like little flowers that please my soul.  My departed from the body sister is here, so there is a great deal of love.  We love each other to death.  We are making funny faces at each other.  Well, actually she’s doing it, because she’s trying to play with me.  People can join me if they want to, but I’m not going back!

Well, here I am again.  Alone is the dominant theme of my life right now.  My sons want money without a real relationship.  Even though I’m a really fun person and love to do fun things, they don’t really want time with me.  They want my money, and they scream and yell and put me down and say that I’m causing them severe emotional problems.  What I’ve done is set boundaries to their behavior.  I deserve LOVE.  I give love, and I deserve love.  They don’t want to do that.  Their father taught them to never give love to me, and in doing so, they would have to go against who they think they are.  They’re not really those people, because it’s really just false programming.  I would be happy to share my money with people who actually show me that they care about me.  J, whose spirit adores me to death, wants to come over here and have sex with no other relationship.  So I’ve had to force his spirit to leave me alone.  I deserve to have a life with love and caring.  I give that, and I deserve fully to have it back again.  And right now I can’t find anyone like me to even be friends with because everyone is so terribly busy playing the games.  My sister wishes she had a body so that she could hang out with me.  We would have a blast, now that she and I both know who we really are.  We would laugh and make faces at each other like we did when we were children.  The only thing is that she talks incessantly, and I need thinking time, but, oh well.  But she doesn’t have a body, so I can only see clearly that she is with me in spirit.  I never know what will happen next.  I am holding my own, knowing who I am, and choosing nothing if I can’t have love and respect and relationship.  Yeah, I’m sad.  I have a huge amount to give, but I deserve equality.  —-Anyhow, yesterday I had breakfast on my top deck step with my little deer friend who ate 6 feet away from me on the other side of the deck.  She wasn’t afraid of me at all.  How cool is that!  Today I ate breakfast at my new little breakfast nook, and I watched an oriole and a hummingbird fight over who got to eat out of the hummingbird feeder.  The oriole won cause he was way bigger.  They’re both beautiful birds.  So I do have a life. 

OMG!  Just tried to have a long conversation with my son.  It was a nightmare.  Basically I was trying to say that I would love to spend a little more time with him.  I tried to say that I am very lonely, especially on weekends.  He pretty much flew into a rage (his normal response).  The reason that we had the conversation in the first place is because he needs money from me.  Anyhow, he finally got it through to me that he is incredibly busy and distracted trying to take care of his severely depressed, panic attack ridden girlfriend and her little girl, with barely enough money to survive.  He is depressed, but feels that that is what he has to do because he is a caretaker.  He tried to tell me that I’m the sick one; “he DOES talk to me”.  I said that I profoundly feel the fact that he has almost no energy for a relationship with me that could be fun and rewarding, and I am not sick just because I am lonely.  Everyone that I personally know is involved in some sort of energy sucking relationship or relationships, be it a person or a job or whatever.  Hardly anyone has any energy for real positive life, and furthermore, they get incredibly angry if I try to talk with them about it, or say that I feel lonely and would like to have some time with them.  Everyone gets angry.  It’s amazing!  My other son said it felt as if he was losing his ego.  My older male friend said that he would love to be with me if situations were different, because I’m so full of the joy of life and so beautiful, but he had way to much crap to deal with.  I said the situation would never be different, because if it were, he would find crap to deal with in that situation, too.  It is so mind boggling why people CHOOSE, ACTUALLY CHOOSE, to be less than they really are, and hate me instead of finding a way to be happy and live positively.  I knew this conversation with my son was coming up, and I am VERY experienced with his reactions, so I didn’t sleep much last night.  I got up and had coffee at 3:00 AM.  My departed sister met me and said that we are really together.  She has tried so hard to work with her family from the other side, and they are utterly resistant, so she’s with me in the beautiful land, and we’re going to work together to build it even more.  My human self really hurts with all the rejection and anger, but my spirit self knows the truth, and my human self utterly bows down and joins with my spirit.  J’s spirit tried to come to me last night as I was hurting, but I stood my ground.  He can’t be with me as a disembodied spirit!!!!

This was a really hard weekend.  Extra alone.  I am renovating my house, and I hung a large tapestry of a mandala on my bedroom wall.  Wholeness.  The center core self surrounded by and equidistant from all other things.  That’s where I am right now.  Some people say it’s a spiritual journey.  I see it totally as becoming fully myself, not bowing down to “God” or anyone or anything else, but standing fully centered and complete.  In the terms of the spiritual journey, because things can be thought of in different forms, it’s incredibly difficult to do this.  One just keeps losing in order to gain.  I used to read, “I die so that Christ might live.”  That used to scare the fuck out of me, because I knew I was going to have to do this.  But “Christ” is not some other entity who is forcing me to go down.  “Christ” is me, my spirit and soul, causing my ego self to bow down and become one with the real me.  Yesterday I had to play music at the new church that I’m working for, and a lady who doesn’t know me came up and said that I had a such an incredibly beautiful spirit.  I’ve had that said to me many times, even though people usually hate me for that very thing.  It’s good to be recognized, though.  Everyone knows I’m different.  I’m doing and being what others just talk about and give lip service to.

Wow!  I woke up at five.  I know that aloneness allows me to sink to deeper levels, but no matter that I’ve gone there a million times, it still is incredibly difficult.  This morning I went all the way out of my body, and my sister on the other side came to me.  She told me that actually she is always with me because she also can’t bear the dysfunction of earth people.  Our spirits are both very huge, but she didn’t come alone.  She brought a vast host of other spirits with her.  I wanted to know who they are, and where did they come from.  She said that they’ve been listening to my music that tells about a new earth and a new way to live.  They’ve been on the earth many times, and they’ve been persecuted and hurt over and over, and they DO NOT want to come back.  I tried to get her to tell me why they don’t go to some other planet or some other realm.  She wouldn’t tell me.  She said they are waiting for this new earth to evolve so that they can come there because it is so beautiful and so filled with love and fulfillment.  I cried out to my sister to tell me why she is freed of a body, and I’m stuck in one with no one given to me to share life with.  All she would say is that in my aloneness, my body is being infused with light.  I am evolving a new kind of person.  I DO NOT understand that at all.  The only thing that I can possibly comprehend with my limited body brain is that I’ve clearly seen the complete hopelessness and territorialism and negativity of this earth.  I’ve seen that people CHOOSE it deliberately over rising to a positive level.  Since I can’t go back to that level, and I’m here alone at this level, then my body has nothing else to do but fill with light.  My body has nothing else to do other than to become that positive being of light that I wish with everything in me that everyone could become. 

It’s so different being away from people and outside of hurtful and uncaring and using relationships with people.  I feel better, but deeply sad at the same time.  I wish that I could find complete happiness in my own aloneness.  Carl Rogers, in his book “On Becoming a Real Person”, says that creative people MUST go to their deepest aloneness in order to create, but then they have a very real need to share that creation with others, because we are social people.  I have created a much better world of equality and true caring and accepting people for who they are instead of just what they can do for you or how they can fulfill a role.  Of course, I have to remember that I have students and a church music job because I have skills and talents that are useful to others.  I’m okay with that because there is equality involved.  I am paid for services rendered, so that I can eat and have a house, etc.  But in so many other ways I have no life at all except for me right now because I’ve fully quit the other way.  I’ve quit allowing people to use me when they’re in the mood and trash me otherwise.  And since I’ve quit, there are no people in my life.  Therein lies my sadness.  I have created a beautiful world.  Who will share it with me? 

One of my psychic reading piano students was here yesterday, and she said that she sees me becoming more and more filled with the fountain of life in my body.  She sees it flowing and gushing from the center of me.  She said that it has to continue to cleanse out the old me, the primitive stuff that is imprinted onto my cells and into my DNA from the beginning of time, so that I will never ever be the same again.  It’s so strange how everyone’s readings telescope back and forth from the deepest spiritual to the earthly.  It’s all connected and one, and my body is so in on the work.  Things happen to me, and I have to make choices.  My choices lately have all been to just let everyone go.  No one that I care about wants to spend time with me, and so I’m just letting them go.  Right now I am enough for me, and in being this way, I am daily getting stronger.  The light of my spirit is shining in my body.  No one at all is taking it away or stealing it.  I hope to grow MASSIVE!

All of a sudden I have gotten SO busy sorting and filing music and going to antique stores and buying new pieces and painting and varnishing.  I don’t know how this all happened.  It’s like I was completely inside this inner world changing the underlying structure and using ALL the energy that I could possibly pull out and becoming completely centered in myself and working like crazy and using all my energy, and now I’m centered and alone and happy and peaceful, and all of a sudden a bunch of new projects and students are opening for me.  The old man friend called and told me that I was effervesent and the essence of life, and my friend R said that life was boring now that we’re not in a band together.  Life is springing up from the center of my being.  Got to run.