Every day of my life I am growing stronger in loving myself and taking care of myself.  I’m continuing to let go of weak people who are only takers with nothing to give.  In order to do that. I’ve had to let go of everyone, but I hope that, in making myself fully strong and self sufficient, I will begin to attract other likeminded people who are ready to just enjoy the joy of life and sharing and equal support.  I don’t mind helping weaker people, but I don’t want to be giving my beautiful sunshine energy to anyone who just takes it and uses it to continue their own addictions and weaknesses.  There are myriads of people who are like bottom feeders, never growing into better more sharing people.  They take whatever they can get, money or life energy or whatever, and go on with their own darkness.  They bring the promise of caring, but when they get (or don’t get) what they want, they’re gone.  I am closing myself to users and, hopefully, opening the door to more equality.  In the meantime, I’ve really been feeling the beauty of my own inner self, feeling it very strongly.  It’s a great thing!

OMG!  I am changing so much.  I have had a desire for my body to go into my soul and become one, but it’s been so scary to me.  I’ve had to go through SO MANY disappointments from human beings and people that I love dearly.  NO ONE has been there for me ever, so I’ve had nowhere to go but to myself and my own soul.  This morning I got an image of all of me inside my soul, except for my foot which is walking in.  I’m in a state of heightened sense without drugs.  I sat on my deck and became one with the birds and the woods, and I had no clue if I lived at the beginning of time or the end of time or if I’m young or old.  I somehow blended into eternity.  Then I came inside my beautiful cabin house and put on Ray Charles and ate my delicious breakfast of French toast, triple berries and walnuts.  Ray had me laughing and then crying like crazy.  Jeez!  What an incredible morning, all by myself.  For so long I have said that I knew my soul was insisting that I learn to be happy alone.  I said I’d learn to be alone, but I REFUSED to be happy.  My soul continued to take EVERYONE away from me.  OMG!  I’m finally learning my lesson.  There is incredible joy to be found in my ownself.  I’m shaking my head in disbelief as I’m listening to Ray singing “Oh, what a beautiful morning——everything’s goin’ my way”.  Got to get busy now and caulk the holes on my beautiful porch room.  Yesterday I tried to fill them with that expanding foam shit and made a mess from hell, including sticking my fingers together.  Try playing the piano like that!  I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.  This is an experience in the moment and part of a bigger movement forward into all light. 

I find myself more and more, like inch by inch, bringing my body into my soul.  Without the craziness of earth relationships with all the control games, I am, for the most part, feeling a growing peace and beauty.  I watch movies and talk to people and see the crazy dramas, but I feel detached.  I had an actual talk with my son the other day, and he told me about the drama queen that he’s living with.  She wouldn’t get out of bed on Thanksgiving, depressed as hell, and I remembered that I’ve lived my entire life with people like that.  It takes a lot of courage to be alone, but it feels so light and beautiful.  I’m getting really good at entertaining myself.  I definitely hope to be able someday to find a peaceful contented person to share the beauty with, but right now all of me is becoming the beauty.  It’s like I’m on the earth, but I’m contained in some kind of light bubble for now.

I am in an incredible space right now.  I have spent my life as a codependent person, always giving away my beautiful self to people who took and took and wanted more.  No one EVER even once thought of giving back or of caring in return.  Through MUCH pain and sorrow I let go little by little by little, wishing always with every fiber of my being that SOMEONE on earth would love me and care about me in return.  I know I’m a beautiful person with SO much love and incredible talent to offer to the world.  Right now I’m giving all of my love to me.  My ego has such a hard time with this.  Fortunately I have a whole body of songs that were given to me from my soul in the past that have been and continue to be guides for me.  They tell me that it’s all about BEING a beloved person.  One of my songs says that nobody will love me unless I love me, and that happiness is not found in everyone else, but rather in me.  I am learning everyday, even though this is the hardest lesson ever that it could be possible for me to learn.  I am giving myself tenderest love and care, doing fun things with me everyday.  I am loving my beautiful little cabin home, shining up the silver and bronze pieces, making all the parts of it full of love.  I have the most delightful and beautiful CD’s that I listen to, and I’m watching movies that I thoroughly enjoy.  I have great food and exercise.  I am giving myself the love and gifts and care that the outside world never gave to me.  I know that the love that exudes from me to the world has to come from a person who is whole and complete, having brought back all the parts of me that were given out and mistreated and used.  The love that exudes from me will be a waterfall love.  It will be LOVE that is my essence. 

Well, Thanksgiving turned out to be a lovely day for me.  My son actually came over and cooked delicious marzapone strawberry crepes.  But his girlfriend would not get out of bed, because she is diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder and was having another one of her many episodes.  I told him that she was like my mother.  He so knows but doesn’t want to face the truth.  Life is not meant to be lived in such pain and torment.  My whole life has been lived that way with such crazy disfunctional people.  Now I am alone with no people in a land of beauty and peace.  I tell my soul that I feel guilty for not working hard right now to help humanity.  My soul tells me that I am to experience the peace and beauty right now.  There are more days in this holiday weekend, and I am told to take good care of myself and feel comforted and pampered by me.  So, for now, that is what I’m doing.  Can you believe that I sat on my deck in my cocoon when it was 16 degrees outside.  It was lovely and relaxing.  When I meditate and look deeply in the inner world, I see the space where I am shining out like a beautiful jewel, and I see J climbing now over precipices and sharp rocks to get to the beauty.  It is not easy to leave the craziness and negativity of earth and climb to the beauty of one’s own soul.   

I continue to be in survival mode, albeit sitting in the sunshine.  I feel more peaceful today because I do have someone to be with on part of Thanksgiving Day, and I have a few makeup students on Friday and Saturday.  I have such a hard time with total aloneness and isolation, so even small times with people help me to survive what is happening in my life.  I am told repeatedly through various ways that there is a purpose and I am to obey, no matter how difficult.  It helps so much to have my beautiful house and woods and music.  I see the image of me playing quietly and alone in the sun, and I see J back to climbing the mountain.  He’s not picking wildflowers now.  He is trying to climb over rocks, and it’s harder to breathe because he is higher up.  These are the only images that I can see.  There must be others trying to climb above society and negativity and become fully themselves, but I can’t see them right now.  I feel two ways simultaneously: very happy to be free and have wind in my hair and beautiful sunlight and very sad to be enjoying it all in such total aloneness.  Just got more messages through another tarot reading: ”My sacrifice of aloneness to remain in positivity is allowing new patterns to form.  Good thing I’m strong enough to bear it and not be victimized.  That is the enlightened attitude.  Pay attention to the larger flow of events, even though I don’t deserve to have to pay this much of a price.  J and I are connected through our hearts, and things really are happening”.  That explains to me why I had to give up R’s friendship, so that I could remain fully positive for J.

I have been working so hard on settling my ego into my real self.  It’s a difficult task, because my ego LONGS to be with people that I love.  Those people are heavily into negativity, addictions and things that pull them from light and true love.  I find no satisfaction at all in trying to live in the world of masks.  That takes energy away instead of giving it, and I feel worse after having hollow encounters.  So my soul assures me in various ways that this is where I am supposed to be (even though every once in a while my ego throws fits because my soul is incredibly demanding.)  At least the physical place where I wait in the light is beautiful, with lots of wild animals and a beautiful grand piano that I love to play and beautiful Windham Hills CD’s and warmth and comfort.  (I ran out of corn for the deer, and the silly babies stand and beg and refuse to leave when I’m sitting on my deck.  I can walk up to within two feet of them and look them in the eyeballs and say that I don’t have corn.  They think I said, “Hang on, I’ll get you some corn”, and they stand and patiently wait. So, as soon as I get dressed, I’m going to go and buy corn.) I also love my students to death and have come to really enjoying teaching time with them.  Anyhow, telepathically I see J’s face, big and close, examining and contemplating the light.  It is my responsibility to keep the light strong and powerful and to not fall back into negativity.  I’m so fortunate that I have such a powerful soul.  I have learned obedience to my soul through myriads of failed attempts of trying to find satisfaction or love in the negative world of darkness. 

This continues to be a time of growth for me.  I have made so many choices to not give out my energy (and money) to the negative world, the world that swallows up my love and goodness, using it as food to continue on in darkness, giving me nothing in return.  The negative world has NO LOVE AT ALL to give.  It takes and uses.  This week contains another lonely holiday for me.  I tried to invite my son and his girlfriend for a brunch, but he is even too busy to call me back and say no.  But, believe it or not, I’m seeing this as a gift, continued impetus for my own growth.  I realize repeatedly that my own soul and spirit is filled past filled with light and pure love.  That’s where love is.  INSIDE MYSELF.  My bed is a waveless waterbed with a feather mattress and a couple of down comforters.  My outdoor cocoon contains a winterweight down comforter.  I am wrapped in warmth and comfort in these places.  I realize that I must bring my ego self completely inside the beauty of my own soul and wrap myself in love and warmth.  That’s the only place where love exists for me.  It takes willpower on my part.  I still wish that love was out there for me, but it isn’t.  I will do my best to use this unending aloneness for growth into fully loving myself and becoming a self contained human being where love can flow out of me like the waterfall in the picture on the right.  I will say that I clearly see that J is growing in positivity and light everyday.  He seems close to the light.  The light is all over him, and he is picking wildflowers as he is climbing the mountain.  The wildflowers are full of pieces of positivity and light. 

I did a free tarot reading on internet yesterday that was very interesting.  It said, although it really wasn’t fair that I had to experience such depths of loneliness, that I was doing it for the greater good of humanity.  It said that I had had much experience with the rise and fall of things, and I could ride the waves and keep growing and learning.  It said that I have been in a time of contact with a much greater and very evolved part of myself, and that now I am entering into a short resting time so that I can be flexible, energized and stable, thoroughly prepared for the wave of opportunity that is approaching.  It said that greater forces are working with me because we all want humanity to evolve to a better way of living;  “The very thing you dream about is desired by all.  Physical creation, social creation and the entire spiritual hierachy around you are happy to acknowledge, support and further your plans and intentions.  The whole of creation is cooperating with your natural instincts……………………”  Of course, my ego self always has to be in obedience to my greater self, and my greater self leads the way while mostly I follow along trying to figure out what the hell is going on.  I DO know that I am learning a great deal about being whole and self contained.  I’ve learned about giving up living on the controlling earth.  My ego self would like to find others like me who are able to live comfortably and peacefully together as free standing human beings.  We just are who we are, not forcing anyone to fit a role or wear a mask or pretend in any way.  Easy and relaxed.  In the meantime, I remain alone—-resting, I guess. The last time J was at my house in person, a very rare occurance, he said that he saw that I was lost.  What he doesn’t know is that I am SO NOT LOST.  It feels to my poor ego that I only have clues, but the greater part of me, the one who is truly in charge, has a very definite plan and purpose.  Ego me has to pass tests and all kinds of shit, but real me knows exactly what’s happening.  Ego me gets SO confused during various experiences, but afterwards, I see that I have stepped higher and into more light.  Full and beautiful light, with no darkness at all, is my goal.  Bottom line!  Costly, but worth everything.  

OMG!  What a space I am in this morning.  Pure love!  I got up at 5:00 AM, made coffee and sat on my deck in my cocoon in the cold wind.  I came back inside and, can you believe it, had a half glass of wine and put on a Windham Hills guitar CD.  I am in heightened beautyville!  I am purely lonely, but my house is exuding magic and love.  Every piece of furniture is alive with love.  I see myself in the land of pure positive sunshine, and I see one person climbing a mountain to join me.  J’s spirit, the one that I have talked about in previous writings, is fully inside his body.  J is walking to the land of positive, even though it isn’t easy.  I can see old man R on the other side.  I won’t talk to him, because he refuses to see that J is walking forward.  I will not let his negativity against J and other things pull me down from the land of beauty.  I miss R very much, but I see that loneliness is the only way that I can remain FULLY positive at this point.  I am given small boosts of connection with different people every day that help me in this difficult journey to complete wholeness.  Someday I will write about a joy that cannot be found anywhere else but in the land of light.