Sometimes I just sit very quietly and allow my deepest inner self to speak.  It’s the holidays, but I have no gifts to buy or anyone that I love or anyone who loves me that I can prepare things for.  I am constantly letting go and grieving.  J’s spirit is the biggest thing that I’ve let go of because his spirit truly loves me and loves to be with me.  But a person can’t be without his spirit, so I’ve had to insist that he go back to his body and stay there.  Of course, J’s body has no love for me, so I have to grieve the loss of that beautiful spirit.  And I have let my sons go.  The love that I have for them is very deep, as is the love that I have for J’s spirit, but love cannot demand or force anyone.  Love just is.——-But my deeper self told me that to my human ego, it appears that I’m suffering and sad, but in reality I’m just continuing to plow up the old ways so that there is nothing left of them.  It seems that I’m so completely emptied out of everything, but my deeper self said that in reality I was empty before when I was a part of the falseness of earth.  It said to me that only now am I truly becoming full.  It also said to me that the emptiness of my outer life is allowing space for new creation to form at the deepest levels of the mind, creations that will later manifest on the earth.  That’s cool, if it’s true.  ……….So anyhow, some of my students families invited me to join in their family festivities.  That’s cool, too!  I will be doing a Swedish fest on Sunday night, and eat some kind of fish that has been soaked in lye and saffron cookies, etc.  Someone from the church where I have a small job invited me to join them in working at a downtown mission on Christmas morning.  These things are gifts to me that help my ego feel as if it’s not actually drowning in the aloneness as I continue to obey the demands that my spirit puts on me.   

I had interactions with quite a few people yesterday, including J.  I woke up this morning with a feeling that my heart was breaking.  I sat on my deck with snow falling around me, drinking coffee and crying.  I didn’t even know why I felt like that.  Now my intuition is finally breaking through to my consciousness, and I realize there are many lies and deceits going on in the earth world.  I realize that only partial truths were said to me.  It takes me time to know this, because I always want to believe that people are trying to come from a point of deepest truthfulness, as I am.  Anyhow, I realize that by fully accepting my own aloneness, I will in no way compromise light and truth and beauty with the deceitfulness of earth.  This is both a sad place and a happy place to be.  I think that I can overcome the sadness, but sometimes I profoundly feel it.  Sadness is both because of my own loneliness and because love and light are such beautiful things with so much to offer, but I can still find no one who wants to leave the ways of darkness to live in the beauty of pure love. 

It’s really hard work, and it takes HUGE determination and constant persistance and a strong choice, but I WILL fully walk into my soul, regardless of any cost.  Some days I still have twinges of sadness when I am confronted with the blindness of earth people.  I am developing a glowing light all around my body, a kind of sunshine, as I become more fully in my body who I really am in my spirit.  But I know that I am not 100% solid when I find even a .05% of me still saddened by people’s inability and stubborn refusal to see the real me.  I feel angry still when I feel anyone trying to pull me into the preconceived box that they determine that I should fit into.  I cannot and will not go into anyone’s box.  A beautiful free spirit cannot be boxed.  But I will truly be 100% free when I am free of other people’s judgments, when I can feel their negative energy but be untouched by it because I know so totally who I really am.  Like I’ve said before, all negative experiences are teachers to me to show me where I still have hidden weak places.  I will become fully solidified within myself and my beautiful spirit.  I will become so strong and glowing, and no one at all will be able to pull me down.  I’ve had to overcome and heal from great grief of no longer having family or friends.  Those structures tried with all their energy to pull me down out of my true beauty and force me to be less than.  Now I understand why I wrote in one of my previous songs,  “Break down old structures and begin anew.  Can we build a new world from this different point of view”.  I am learning in my body what my intuition told me from a place deep within myself at an earlier time in my life.  The place that I am at is NOT easy in any way.  I have to always keep finding ways of entertaining myself and of staying occupied so that I can get through days.  Students help so much.  I know that I am alone so that my body/soul/spirit/mind can become fully one, fully whole and complete.  

Can you believe I sat outside in my deck cocoon this morning.  I live in the midwest USA, and there was a huge ice storm.  It was like sitting in fairyland, with ice all over the trees.  My cocoon is so warm that I can sit out in nature when it’s below zero and be toasty.  Heaven on earth for me, a nature/woods lover.  A realization is gradually dawning on me.  I have known a deep loneliness all of my life, even when I had friends and relationships.  I have come to know the fallacies of earth and the masks and games people play.  I have learned the boxes that relationships and groups put people in.  I am now learning that my incredibly beautiful spirit is my friend.  Where on earth could I find a friend who is this loving and caring and thoughtful and fantastically beautiful.  Where could I find a friend who does not get jealous or try to make me less than I am.  Why have I thought that some earth person would love me the way that I love me.  Why have I ever even imagined that I am not enough.  True, I do everything alone.  When I go to a movie, I’m oftentimes the only one who is there alone, and that is also true of eating out or going to a music event.  That has really bothered me in the past, but now I’m realizing that going with me is a real treat.  And families REALLY put a person into a box and absolutely refuse to change and see in a different light.  It’s as if a person has to fight very hard to change predefined roles within a family structure.  My family just trashed me when I changed.  Nonetheless, I am learning at the core of my being and in a way that brings me peace of mind, that I am more than enough for me.  What utter freedom this brings!!!!!  Any relationships of the future will be something altogether different than relationships of the past. 

I continue to grow and learn on a daily basis.  The hard hard lonely days are teachers to me.  I have written about all of this in my songs, but now I’m learning the lessons of the songs that were given to me through my intuition in years past.  Today is an ice storm day.  Schools are closed, and I think that probably my students won’t come to lessons, so that means that I’m alone in my house all day.  No phone calls.  No one will even answer the phone if I try to call, so I don’t try anymore.  Now I just got done saying that these days are teachers to me.  All of my life, I have been a giver and a person who cares about others.  I’ve given my light and love to so many, and a thousand times over, I’ve been trashed.  My beautiful talent has been trashed or used by people and swallowed up by the darkness and negativity of earth.  But I have had such a fear of sitting silently in empty aloneness.  I am now able to  do this without fear and panic.  My old man ex friend used to tell me that he couldn’t imagine why I’m so alone because I have everything to offer to the world.  Gifts like gold.  My soul is so beautiful, and in the aloneness I am absorbing the beauty into my body.  All I know is that I have totally learned my lesson of trying to give anything of myself back into the negative world.  And my fear of sitting alone in the light is almost fully dissipated.  Of course, it remains my hope that this is only part of the journey and not the end, but I don’t know that.  My songs tell me that this is not the end.  A better world for everyone is the goal, a world where people don’t use and control and take, but everyone gives, because everyone has come to know and love themselves, and they have no need at all to be taking energy and light from others.  Men have no need to control women, or vice versa, churches have no need to take over people’s mind and souls, jobs have no need to suck the life out of anyone, etc., etc.  The problem remains that everyone wants to take shortcuts, and everyone thinks they can change other people or that other people want to change.  I’ve worked so hard that way, and I’ve found out through so much experience that it doesn’t even slightly work.  The journey has to be taken, in the end, by each person on their own.  No one wants to do that.  No one wants to hear what I have to say, because this is the journey that everyone tries to escape.  That’s why I consider myself tremendously fortunate that I have only stubborn unmovable people that have been a part of my life in time past.  That way I was forced to go forward to the light and beauty of my own soul.  I’ve mentioned J before.  A few times he has actually talked to me in person instead of telepathically.  Once he said that I am the light, and he is the source of light.  He said it was because he is like he is—very negative — that I’ve had to run forward.  Yes, he was one of the sources.  All of earth has been the source.  Can one person courageously living in full light make a difference on earth?  That remains to be seen.

Actually as today is progressing, I am seeing the silent emptiness as a beautiful gift.  My mind is expanding out of my very limited body into the vastness of my soul and of eternity.  My body and what I do and who I think I am is so limited and so incredibly confined in this space/time continuum.  What a wonderful opportunity today is.  Sometimes it seems as if entering into the silence is pointless, but the next day I always find that something about me has changed and grown stronger and more real.  And that is the deep desire of my life right now, to become fully real.   

This morning I got an image of myself.  The cells of my body are becoming more and more permeable so that light can enter every minute spot that is possible.  I know that I am longing to become fully my true spirit self in my body.  I know that my aloneness is a great gift that allows me the opportunity to accomplish this task.  People pull me back to the earth and to negativity right now.  Of course, I do spend lots of time with people doing lessons and other things that I have to do, but I have no close relationships.  I did a past life regression once, and I ended up going into outer space between lives, and a guide in a black suit with burning eyes told me to look at myself.  I looked and light was equidistant around my body.  He said, “Stand in that light until you fully know who you are.”  That is where I am right now.  It has been incredibly painful and disappointing for me to get to this place, because I had to lose every false thing that I thought was truth.  Unfortunately, pretty much all of earth’s ways are false.  I think that MANY people are called to go this way, but it takes tremendous courage and the ability to persevere over a long period of time with little rewards.  Most people fall into addictions to keep them from thinking about the truth of earth’s disappointing ways and to stop the voice that is continually pointing out little steps of truth.  Then the people become very weak because courage has to be built up day by day.  The person who has become her/his true self has become fully strong from a long journey of walking “the road less travelled”.  That person has faced great losses in order to gain her/himself and has taken seemingly impossible steps.  As I’ve said, this is the only way.  There is no god who is going to come out of the sky and rescue anyone.  There is no better heaven for people who followed a certain dogma.  We, our very own selves, must find the courage to climb out of earth’s negative, hurtful controlling ways to a place of fully connecting with the true us.  Then and only then will the earth begin to change to a more positive place that brings fulfillment and joy to everyone, and I said “everyone”.  And it takes actually taking difficult steps of purifying of earth’s using people and ways and becoming so stong that darkness and negativity are unable to penetrate.  Earth’s ways are incredibly deceitful and cunning and like cancer cells that rapidly multiply.  People say that they are so lucky to live in the USA.  Well, I live here, and I’ve been symbolically raped, tarred and feathered, murdered, beheaded and my body was thrown on the street, spit on, ostricized, etc.  No different than any other time or place in history.  I will admit that I am so fortunate to have the luxury to write anonomously and enough money coming in that I don’t have to work my ass all the way off, thereby having time to think and work.  But I believe with all my heart that earth will not change by working to bring change.  That makes it rearrange cells that haven’t really changed.  We have to change ourselves and our consciousness one by one and then collectively.  Then, and only then, we will all exist on a higher and happier level in a true heaven.

Yesterday was a cold snowy Saturday. I was home alone most of the day. I find those days incredibly difficult as I get farther and farther from people. There is no one at all for me to call, and no one calls me, so it seems as if I have dropped off the earth. I rented a couple of movies. One was “Celestine Prophesies”, which I had read in book form maybe ten years ago. As I watched the movie, I was utterly amazed that they were saying so much of the things that I have discovered and am trying to live out. The jist of it all is that this earth is run totally by control in various forms and that we are slowly evolving toward a new way of being. The new way is of each person knowing their own selves and finding their energy from within themselves and fully sharing it with each other. When two people share energy with each other, it grows huge and beautiful. The earth will be a different place. I am so embedded in this process. I have a longing that permeates all of me to get my body completely inside the energy of my soul. It’s even a bit difficult to be around people at all for very long now. People are used to taking energy and using. My energy is becoming much more self contained. I can’t share like I really want, because to be real and fulfilling, the energy needs to be a two way street. Otherwise my beautiful energy is used as food that a less evolved consciousness uses to continue in their darkness. And I also find that people get quite angry with me very quickly because I challenge their way of thinking just by being who I am. I find almost no one who wants to think outside of the controlling and using boxes of earth. Also, almost no one knows who they really are, and they speak to each other through masks. Those masks seem more and more pointless to me. It’s getting to the place where it’s more fulfilling to be with real me alone than to get out and just waste time by talking through a mask. But living in space/time continuum makes days like yesterday seem really long. This is a difficult place to be, but my deep desire is to move forward into greater and greater love and light. I’ve come so far in this direction that I don’t think I can even be pulled backwards anymore. I do notice that I am pretty troubled for a while after I’ve been around people who are trying to pull me backwards into being used (and abused) like I used to be. I regain my equilibrium quite rapidly now, though, because I’ve stepped all the way over the line of hoping and wishing that the other person would not treat me the way they do.  In the past I realized that I would be alone if I didn’t go along and play earth games, but now I’ve accepted alone.  Especially with my sons, there’s always the deisire that we could relate through the mutulaity that I have spoken of, but at this point, it’s not possible, and I accept it and don’t fight it anymore. 

Today is a calmer day for me.  I am settling into my beautiful spirit and resting in it, and that spirit is taking care of me in my aloneness.  I know now that I will be alright, even if I have to spend the rest of my life alone.  I have climbed over the absolutely hugest hurdle on earth that I could ever climb.  Nothing could be harder for me than what I’ve done, and it has been a HUGE amount of daily hard work to do this.  I’ve known for a long time that I’m going forward past all the pain and negativity and addictions and control systems of the earth, but sometimes I’ve thought that I might even have to end my life because what would I do when I got there.  No one else is here, at least not yet.  I wouldn’t be leaving from sadness, but rather because I walked off the earth the way it is and had nothing more to do.  For me that was a position of strength in helping me to continue to walk forward when I had to go against all odds and everyone pulling me down.  But that doesn’t seem the right way to go at all.  My beautiful spirit is staying with me, and we are fully integrating so that my body is feeling the incredible love and light.  That spirit is helping me to keep myself happy and entertained for now.  I never know what is ahead.  I have a belief that we are all connected on this earth, and that one brave person walking alone to a new consciousness of purity and light and happiness can gradually pull up the world.  Light is powerful and dispels darkness.  It is the only thing that dispels darkness.  Working in the darkness never is the answer, because darkness is cunning and finds new ways to snuff out positive energy.  It finds new forms that seem better than the old forms, but really are still hurtful to the true self and spirit of a person.  But it takes incredible amounts of courage and work to set a course to the light and walk through all the cunning and deceit and go alone to a new and beautiful consciousness.  It’s amazing to me that everyone doesn’t want to be in this beautiful space.  Why would people choose depression and hurt over a more beautiful way to live.  One of my songs again,  “Break down old structures and begin anew.  Can we build a new world from this different point of view…..”

Big snow yesterday.  OMG!  I’ve got a huge amount of shoveling to do, and that’s after I just got finished busting up a huge amount of ice on my driveway and in the street.  Now that was HARD work!  I sat on my deck this morning in my cocoon which I covered with a tarp yesterday in the snowstorm.  It was BEAUTIFUL!  And I’ll bet that I’m the only person in the USA sitting on my deck early in the morning in the freezing cold and having coffee.  The only part of me that is cold in my cocoon is my nose.  I continue my alone experience.  What I’m finding is not the great joy that I was hoping to find.  It’s very difficult for me to withdraw all the support I’ve given to other people and give it only to myself.  It was actually easier for me to be in dysfunctional relationships with ungiving people than to have to be so fully alone with no support from anyone.  (I was standing on a ladder on ice with one foot on my deck railing fixing something on the roof, and I really was afraid that if I slipped, it might be a week or more before anyone found me.  Of course, my students would wonder where I was, but I don’t think they would come and look for me.)  Anyhow what I’m finding is a day by day strengthening of myself, like inch by inch becoming totally self sufficient with no neediness at all.  I have no religion, no family, no job situation, no friendships, nothing at all with which to identify myself.  I am identifying as the truth of who I really am and becoming stronger and stronger in that truth.  I am so fortunate to have my beautiful little house and my students as I struggle with this difficult process.  It seems to me that my true self is love, and I am becoming love.  Love doesn’t need.  Love radiates and gives from a space of BEING.  It’s a very painful process, and I would love to have love coming to me from outside of me somewhere, but I fully realize that that is what my ego wants, not what my true self wants.  And so it continues to be my desire to enfold my ego into my true self and to become totally who I really am.

I am truly arriving at a new space.  My hopes of fulfilling earth relationships have died.  Love on the earth is so partial and segmented.  A person is loved if they fit into whatever system is in existence.  Since I never quite fit, I’ve never been loved, and it has devastated me over and over a thousand times.  Now I’m realizing that that’s just the way of earth, and it’s not really truth.  Not being loved by earth people frees me to use my creative powers to create a whole new me, and I’m actually feeling very excited about this.  It’s kind of blowing me away.  I am, of course, not sure what this means.  I just know that there is no one holding me, no one who cares if I leave or stay, so I am going in the direction that I feel pulled towards.  That direction is to enfold my body completely and totally inside my beautiful soul.  I realize that I speak in symbolic language.  I wish that I could speak in some other kind of language.  I would if I knew what the hell I am talking about in earth terms.  The part that pisses me off is that I have to do this work in an earth body.  When I am in a dream space which I can hardly remember, it seems to me that I am doing some kind of deep work for all humans.  It seems to me that I am a female, and that females have always been used, and that I am bringing myself to a place where I am DEEPLY loved and unable to be used anymore.  That is completely NEW.  This is all I can say for today.