Am I moving to more contentment within myself alone?  I’ve spent my entire life turning to a world that I hoped beyond hope would accept me and love me for the person that I am.  I have received in return inordinate amounts of rejection, hatred, jealousy, spurning and being shut out.  It has caused me so much stress and pain and loneliness and confusion.  I am realizing that I am a beautiful, giving, loving and creative human being, and I have another side of me, my inner male, who constantly takes care of me.  So why am I looking outside of myself for any happiness whatsoever.  I know that on a daily basis, step by step, I am becoming more solidified in this knowledge and ability to care for myself.  OMG!  It has been a long rough road to get here.  I still find myself inappropiately talking with strangers about events and problems because I LOVE to converse and share and get and give input.  Since I don’t have relationships of any kinds at all, only my students and whatever else comes in a day, and I haven’t given up a need to converse and be social, I just talk to whoever might be around at the time.  I’m not sure what to do about this.  I still am in a human body, even though I’ve taken billions of steps to a new and higher consciousness.  This consciousness has none of the control and putdowns and wars etc of earth’s lower consciousness.  And being with myself alone and living inside this consciousness alone is a necessity so that it can keep growing and becoming super strong.  I am now able to take even the negativities that come my way in a given day and turn them into  a step towards more growth in the land of the positive.  The truth is, though, that in reality we are all one.  This is why I will never give up hope that my growth into pure positivity will change the world.

I did the music at a wedding last weekend, and a man who was from Egypt told me that I had a brilliant sunlike aura around me.  Yes, he’s right.  The place that I’ve moved to is a sunlike planet.  I read this morning on internet news that divorce causes health problems, even if the person remarries.  I’ve not only been divorced, but I lost all of my beloved family and all of the society that I was a part of.  You see, I realized that no one at all cared about me unconditionally.  They only cared about me if I was giving them money or sex or if I fit into their controlling religion or whatever else were the requirements.    I’ve become like the sun because I’m alone, and the true beauty of me is completely with me.  It is not given out to people who use it and then trash it.  I am a whole person, with both my male and female sides intact.   My female side is beautiful and loving and very creative, and my male side takes care of me and protects me and keeps me away from unsafe people.  The male side of me loves me deeply like no person on earth has ever loved me.  Every day he brings me things that make my days good and profitable.  He has brought me beautiful students to work with and a beautiful nurturing nature home to live in.  Yes, I would SO LOVE to have earth people to share the beauty of my sun self with, but so far my male side has not been able to find that for me.  He can only bring “daily food” to me.  I know that I can never go back to being that split apart person that I used to be, even though this way of living is very insecure and actually scary.  Positive energy and health, unlike negative cancer like energy, is unifying and wholistic.  I am becoming stronger and more solidified in wholeness on a daily basis.  There are positive energies around me and within me to keep giving me the needed strength to undertake this difficult task.  Could it be that one unified whole person can affect the entire earth and begin to lift it to wholeness.  That would be my deepest heart’s desire!

My beautiful spirit friend who came to my garden planet and played with me has left.  This is a spirit that everyone in the world knows, who came here to rest and relax and play, but now he has tons of stuff to do.  Last night a student of mine channeled this spirit to me.  It was WILD!  He channeled for about an hour, but he had no memory of doing this.  He thought that he had been doing a piano lesson, but I told him I couldn’t charge him.  I tried to get him to tell me what he had learned on the piano, and then I explained that he had been channeling.  He got very upset with me, and when I laughed, he thought I was laughing at him.  I told him I could charge him anyhow, but I guarantee that he didn’t learn anything on the piano.—-  I actually cried my eyes out this morning from missing the beautiful and playful spirit person who left, but now I’m exploring this place.  The far corners have jewels and diamonds and endless waterfalls.  There are no dark places.  Everywhere is lit up in sunshine.  I think that possibly the place that I’ve come to is what lives in the deepest heart of every human being.  Of course, earth’s ways cover it up, and we only occasionally see it, and it seems to intrude on “real life”.  This is only an hypothesis, that every human being is deeply beautiful, with gifts beyond compare.  I’ve only walked an endlessly long road and climbed huge high mountains to get here because of chronic rejection.  Every rejection experience drove me to go forward and inward.  I wish I knew what is going to happen now that I’ve found this place and why I’m on the earth but not on the earth.  Is this another planet or the core of earth.  No answers, but I do feel as if I’m losing the identity that I’ve had on earth.  It’s quite disconcerting to my ego, although it’s exciting to think of what I might be becoming —-perhaps a completely healed and whole person.  I guess I can’t even put labels on what I’m becoming.

I know that I am being taught a new way to live.  I am completely alone, and that has been painful past painful for me.  I know who I am and what I have to offer, but I have struggled so much with people only wanting to take from me and never to give back or just spend enjoyable fun time together with unconditional love.  They want me to fit in to their group or their mindset or whatever – momhood or religion or societal rules or a sex object or whatever.  I KNOW that I am a beautiful intelligent loving human being, and I have not been able to understand why people won’t just accept me for this happy free spirit that I am.  The biggest struggle that I face is knowing that earth doesn’t have a space for a person like me.  There are boxes EVERYWHERE for people to fit into.  People understand the boxes, but they don’t understand a free spirit like me.  It’s true that I am what I said, but it is also true that no one at all can control me or force me to be what they want me to be or to fit inside their preconceived notions of what I should be.  I am being forced by the rock solid rejection of earth to find ALL LOVE and acceptance from within myself alone.  All energy for living my life has to come from within me.  I have no box or friends or family to help me on my way.  I never wanted this, but I can see that I am becoming so strong.  In this way I am fully me without being diminished by earth’s smallness and partiality.  I am whole and complete and fully me, even though no one has eyes to see.  All affirmation for being a whole and complete person has to come from within me alone.  Not an easy road, but the only way that I know.  I CANNOT look to ANYONE ELSE at all to validate who I am.  I can stand with my head tall myself, knowing that I’m not diminished, even though earth looks the other way.  I guarantee that if I lived in the past, I would have been burned at the stake or beheaded.  In many ways I feel that that has happened to me here in this time, because I have been so rejected and scorned, but I am still here, growing and becoming stronger, and I won’t stop.  Love is the simplest of all things, pure and fresh like the wind, but earth complicates it, makes it heavy and dense.  The consciousness that I’ve moved to is light and breezy with wildflowers and waterfalls and sunshine.

I find myself fully in the new world.  I am in a place of all light, and it’s free and easy here.  At this time there are no cities or buildings or civilization.  There are mountains and waterfalls and meadows and flowers.  A beautiful spirit person has come to spend time with me, and we are playing among the flowers.  The rejection of earth people has driven both of us here to this place of light.  The only thing is that I’m still contained in my earth body, but he isn’t.  I am unable to accomplish any of my dreams and hopes on earth because the energy is incredibly dense and heavy.  The light sometimes permeates, especially in times of crisis, but it is quickly snuffed out, and the dark heavy energy rules.  I believe that my task now is to remain in the light and pour my energy into it, along with the energy of the other spirit.  Somehow I am to use mind power to grow the light into something big and beautiful and overpowering.  If our minds aren’t wasted on darkness, we have vast amounts of creativity to build a better world.

I have built an entirely new planet that I live in in my consciousness.   It’s simple and natural with waterfalls and mountains and wildflowers.  All the crazy rules and power systems and wars and poverty, etc, have been erased completely.  We are all just doing what we love to do, and sharing it with each other.  Mostly we’re laughing and playing in the sunshine and in the water.  It’s so beautiful and so real.  People can say what they want to say.  They don’t have to hide who they really are and play mind games and try to remember what it is that they’re supposed to say.

In my earth life, I am ostracized by almost everyone.  My family has entirely thrown me out.  I am fortunate to have students, but I have to be so very careful and stay detached, or they will quit, and I won’t be able to support my earth life.  I feel very confused and unable to comprehend why I’m seen as a threat and different and an oddball.  I am playful and loving and real.  Where are there others who are simple and real.  Why is this beautiful way of life something to fear.  What is wrong with the earth.  Is it that this way of life that is so small and simple is actually powerful and threatens the control systems of the earth.  I can’t really figure it out.

I am feeling a deep sense of confusion as to why the earth exists at all.  It seems so strange to look down and see all the people inside the myriad of boxes that they live in.  How do they learn all the rules of all the boxes.  And then there’s the craziness that one boxed group doesn’t get along or agree with another boxed group, and so there is fighting and hatred and distance and exclusion.  Who the hell invented this crazy way of running things.  And how do we extricate ourselves from this insanity.  It is rooted in thousands of years.  Forms change, but the underlying division and exclusion continues on and on and on.

I feel as if I am no longer a member of the earth.  I am flying above and looking down and shaking my head and wondering what the hell to do next.  I am flying up here, and yet my body is trapped on the earth.  I often run into people who are overcome with the ability to see me.  They see a glorious lightbeing, and they are filled with wonder and confusion.  But no one at all will join me in this beautiful place.  And so I continue on my journey of becoming one with my beautiful soul.  It’s a lonely journey, but I’ve come so far that there is no turning back.  I never know why or what is the outcome.  I just continue to walk forward.  I walk forward because of one reason.  That reason is not because the light is so beautiful, although it is.  That reason is because therre is nowhere on earth for the light to live.  People allow it in for very short moments, and then they turn back to their boxes and get on with their “life”.  But what is that life.  Who are they but unaware shells.  How I wish that I could be shown the outcome of my difficult journey.  I only know that I have nowhere else to walk.