Every step forward into a universal consciousness is preceded by a struggle that feels like death.  I have gone through a million deaths.  My spirit brings me slowly and laboriously because my body self can’t bear it all at once.  I fight.  I cry.  I want to die and get off this painful suffering planet.  I have to let go of relationships and ties that have been built from the ego self.  I was really feeling this way yesterday, but I work very part time in a small church, and all the material for that day was about standing strong, remaining firm, fighting off the delusions of the “devil’ – whoever the hell that is.  I felt my spirit was saying to me in a powerful way that earth is where I have to be.  This life of growth out of a small parochial consciousness into a huge universal consciousness is not easy.  It takes vast strength and endless perseverance.  But I CANNOT take a step backward.  I am grounded in a new place of light.  Yet there are cellular parts of me that are still ego identified, and those parts have to be cleansed and brought to higher consciousness so that all of me is here.  I am given pieces of truth and light for growth every day of my life, and sometimes clear visions of hope and progress.  But then I am forced to walk through the confusion and doubt and death that always precedes a new growth step.  I’ve been enjoying my new Blackberry with bluetooth accessories as I listen to Pandora radio on my bike rides.  I listen to meditative nature music, and I blend in with the woods and lake and flowers and wind.  I’ve also been listening to lots of world music, including the folk music music of many cultural traditions.  It seems as if all of this music is taking me more and more into a larger place than my ego self.  There is one thing that I know beyond a doubt.  The world has been going down a wrong path.  This earth has been built on the premise of control and domination by the active male principle.  That male has dominated the feminine (nature, creativity, music, art, etc), instead of loving and honoring the feminine.  What a different place this would be if all the ridiculous fighting and greed and domination and male dominance could be turned around and changed into love and respect and honor for the seemingly weaker feminine principle.  What is my role.  I just continue to take the difficult steps forward to become this beautiful universal person, outside the bounds of the restrictive earth, yet still contained in a human body.

I’ve been on an endlessly long journey, climbing out of the sadness of being an earth woman.  Women are givers, nurturers and pleasers by nature.  I am totally that woman, but I’ve had so many experiences of being used and disappointed and trashed that I couldn’t begin to count them all.  My giant responsibility and task has been and continues to be to know and believe that I deserve to be given to, nurtured and pleased in return.  The world is lopsided the other way, and it doesn’t work.  Everyone has to grow up and learn to give from their inner self and not just take.  Giving is not done by asking someone what position they like best in sex or other things like that.  True giving, and I am including myself, comes from a position of being centered in oneself and knowing one’s own beauty and then sharing that self with others who are capable of sharing in return.  Actually getting to this place is incredibly difficult.  It’s as if we’ve been living in the drugged control systems, the falseness of religion, the ideas of male dominance and all the other whacked out viewpoints that have made up this out of date earth for so long that our very DNA has to be reprogrammed.  And so I continue on my journey of  growth in awareness, taking step after step forward until every minute part of me is contained within my garden.  The hardest part for me is that I can’t look back to see if anyone else is coming with me.  I have to take the steps myself alone.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m changing the DNA of the entire earth by walking out of all the programming of millions of years —————

OMG!  I watch and read world news and events, read historical novels, watch movies from various cultures and times, etc, and I am so amazed by the incredible complexity of thought and control systems.  It makes my head spin to think of the VAST amounts of energy that is wasted both in controlling and being controlled.  Think of all the emotional energy that is wasted in trying to maintain and fit into whatever complex system that a person happens to be a part of, whether it be one of the mind boggling religious myth systems, or a company where a person works, or a family system or a cultural identity, etc.  Why are we so ridiculously afraid to leave the dark drug of herd mentality and walk to the freedom of being a clear thinking individual.  Energy is energy.  It doesn’t go away, and it could be used for so many better purposes than wasting it on the maintenance of drugged living.  Energy could be alive and creative, fresh and new.  Also, we talk to each other with studied words, words that do not make ripples in the existing status quo.  What if we used our speech energy to be honest and clear about who we are.  What if we OPENLY shared with others.  What is our fear?  Well, I know from VAST experience where our fear comes from.  We are terrified of losing what we have.  I’ve already lost everything because I am real and honest.  I don’t fit inside a box.  I fly free.  It’s so amazing that a beautiful free spirited person, and it took HUGE courage to become this way, is an outcast in the world.  The world isn’t put together this way, but if someone doesn’t have the courage to take the steps, not just talk about it, but actually become that honest simple free person, then how are we ever going to become a better world.  Christians think that it will happen when the whole world is converted to Christianity or when Jesus takes the Christians to heaven, Muslims think…………and on and on.  No, it will only be when we human beings have the courage to grow up and stand in our own strength and become real.  We are all beautiful, intelligent, creative, spiritual beings, capable of being so much more than we think.  I personally LONG to meet someone else who isn’t afraid to stand in the light and who longs to have even more light.  I have encounters with people who are on the path to being real, but they still have many threads binding them to the dark drugged ways of earth.  Am I the ONLY courageous person on earth?

I find myself, after my long journey to the land of wholeness, only being in relationship with myself, but having daily contacts with people.  At this point I have no clue who I would be if I were in any sort of relationship, meaning not just with a guy, but with family or friends or anyone.  If I spend more than a couple of hours with someone, the first part of that is spent in talking about life and my wholeness and where the other person stands, etc.  Then the real me begins to emerge.  I don’t get this opportunity often enough.  The real me is very playful and happy and dancing.  –  But  absolutely everyone that I spend time with is far more interested in relating to and trying to please the partialness of society, trying to belong in a group mentality in some way so that they don’t have to face the insecurity of wholeness, I am left alone and unsought.  I have so often wondered why, when time spent with me is really lots of fun, but this morning I clearly see that very few people are seeking to be whole.  It takes a HUGE AMOUNT of courage and perseverance and belief in the beauty of one’s own inner self.  But partiality is what is making and has always made the world insane.  It’s what makes fighting and war and greed and hatred and personality conflicts, etc.  Everyone is very busy protecting turf.  In my state of wholeness, I find that encounters with people, either negative or positive, gives me more information to understand who I am and how the world is constructed.  It gives me so much understanding of how there could be such a better way to live; a way in which we talk with people so that we can continue to grow, we play and laugh and discuss differences with love in our hearts.  We don’t shut out people who don’t fit into our tiny little ways of thinking.  We broaden our horizons and grow in our consciousness and become large enough to fit the whole world into our hearts and minds.  Of course, we would have to rise to a higher level to do this.  What a different world it would be if everyone of every color, age, ethnicity, gender, intelligence, etc were considered equal to everyone else, knowing that EACH individual person is beautiful and has a gift to offer the world.  EVERY PERSON would be treated with respect and dignity and would live up to that treatment.  Sex and money would not be the dominating factors of existence.  Creating, caring and sharing would replace the old ways.  OMG!  My heart is singing as I think of this NEW WORLD!

I am solidly in my garden space far above the earth.  Sometimes I look down and see that humans are as they have always been forever.  It doesn’t make sense that they stay that way when we have SO MUCH access to world news and different ways of thinking and being.  It amazes me that my relatives (who don’t talk to me) are very educated and intelligent, and yet they still believe that their tiny little fundamentalist religious box contains a group of elite people who are the only ones who will “go to heaven”.  Everyone else will “burn in hell”.  And they believe that they must both protect themselves and condemn anyone who is not inside their box.  It is beyond my comprehension as to why people stay inside those crazy divisive boxes.  Who made us this way–There is so much more to life than this.  A life of sharing and laughing and playing and working and growing and loving and caring about EVERYONE, not just those who are like us, holds so much more interest to me.  Why would I want to cut anyone out.  Why would I not look at each person and wonder how we can enhance each other – instead of being afraid of each other.  Earth could be SO MUCH DIFFERENT and hold so much more possibility if people would just break out of divisions and smallminded thinking.  How I wish I could join hands with other openminded people and CHANGE THE WORLD!  “Make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race———-”

I so long to spread the good news.  The good news is not about a religion or an ideology or anything like that.  It’s just plain and simple.  It’s about being a beautiful human being, knowing that you are a beautiful human being, and sharing life together in community with other beautiful human beings.  It’s about not blocking anyone out because they don’t think exactly like you do, but instead sharing thoughts and being open to new ideas and ways of thinking.  It’s about growth and an opposite approach to living than the old ways of trying to preserve one’s stash.  Of course one’s stash is the old ways of thinking that keep people crystallized and preserved in stone.  The new and better way is living in flow and being open and searching for new ideas.  It keeps the mind fresh and allows for new scientific and philosophical and artistic discoveries and creations.  In this new way, war is not even a consideration.  Open discussion is the way.  Of course it means that we all need to get acquainted with the hidden parts of ourselves, the parts that are obvious to everyone around us but not to us because we have them projected onto everyone else.  Becoming open and honest frees us to share and love and grow.  War, both on an international level and a personal level, doesn’t exist in this space.  We’re far too busy knowing ourselves and sharing ourselves and giving and receiving new information.  OMG!  Life is so exciting when lived this way.  Every single day brings new adventure!  I find myself being this person and longing to share this kind of life with others.  At this point, I have no what I would call deep relationships, except the one with myself, but, amazingly, adventure comes to me everyday.  I wake up many times not having a clue what the day holds and feeling worried that I’m going to be completely alone because I no longer have roles such as mother and sister and daughter and deep friend and wife and all the things I used to be.  Those people have all shut me out, so now I’m just me.  How is it then that life is truly becoming an adventure.  I hope with everything in me that this adventure will snowball into something huge and beautiful!

It’s very difficult for me to reconcile the fact that I’m still in an earth body when I’ve walked all the way to the land of wholeness.  Every relationship on earth that I’ve known has been built on being a partial person, pieces of who I really am.  It’s so clear this morning why I have so much trouble being in any relationships at all.  Painful, but clear.  I so know who I am, and I am unable to be partial, piecemeal.  I am not a sex object or a mom just to get money from and otherwise not even slightly care about.  I have managed to allow a piece of me to keep a job, but that job is based on the wholeness of who I am.  I teach music.  Any friendships or relationships at all come from my students during the time that they are taking lessons from me.  I guess this allows me to be this whole person and not use my energy being pieces of a person.  I have settled fully in the land of wholeness, and I cannot be split apart again.  NO MATTER WHAT THE COST, I cannot be the persons I used to be just so that I don’t have to be alone.

Many years ago I gave up the religion of my origins because somehow I knew about this wholeness.  The Bible that I used to read deeply distressed me because that “god” took sides and helped one group over the other.  And then there was this whole story about people being punished for eternity in hell.  At that time I cried out from the depths of my being that LOVE could never be happy or complete until EVERY SOUL was whole.  Love could never be happy if even one person was left outside, and I don’t mean left outside of a “partial” religious ideology.  My family of origin won’t speak to me because I’m “outside the fold”.  Whatever!  No, I’m talking about PURE LOVE itself, the love that purges partiality and is totally inclusive.  I live in that garden of love, and I believe that I am still on the earth because I have a task.  My ego self has no idea how I can accomplish the task of raising the earth to a higher consciousness.  I’m filled with questions when I try to see.  I only know that I’ve taken a billion difficult and painful steps to get to the land of wholeness, and that love will NEVER stop working until it is totally whole.  That means until everyone is included.  Until the whole earth perceives life from caring about themselves and about each other. Until the whole earth realizes that sharing and caring, knowing and being known is far more important than separateness and tribalism and hidden agendas and control.  And I mean THE ENTIRE WORLD.  I think that must be why I’m still on the earth.  Somehow LOVE needs the full consciousness of a person – I guess.  Right now questions abound.

It’s almost as if I’ve moved back to the beginning of time.  The whole completely crazy world has been wiped out, and everything is fresh and new and natural.  Nature is beautiful again.  We super blew it when we created the world, the one where the feminine spirit of creativity and wholeness and nurturing and caring is used and made to be less important than the male spirit.  This spirit of love and wholeness is the one that I’ve moved back to and become, all alone by myself.  How I wish there were someone who would come out of somewhere and tell me what is going to happen to me as I sit alone in this beautiful garden that’s safe and protected from the viciousness and lack of love and respect of the earth, but lonely.  Any time in the past when I tried to turn back and become a part of, I was greeted with the same treatment that very clearly said that I had no importance and was not really welcome.  It’s almost as if people feel that they are doing me a favor to even talk with me at all, when in truth I know beyond a doubt that I am a beautiful treasure.  I know that with everything in me.  I know that true love, the kind that changes a person from his/her roots is not what people are searching for.  Let me quote a bit of Kahlil Gibran, “For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.  Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning…..He shall descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth…..He grinds you to whiteness.”  I have suffered through all this process, and I sit in a beautiful garden waiting for anyone else who can share truth and love and happiness and joy with me.  I wish I knew why earth went down the wrong path and became a place that causes so much pain, but I don’t know the reason.  All I know is that, through much loss and many steps, I have returned to the land of beauty.  I wish I knew what happens next.  I wish I could have my family back again and a beautiful man to share life with and joyful friends, but at this moment I am not given any of my heart’s desires.  The only thing is that I sit quietly in the sun and in my nature garden that is fresh and new and beautiful.

I see clearly that what I’ve become and am continuing to become is nothing more than a full whole human being.  I am not a strange outlandish spiritual creation or anything else other than a beautiful human being.  None of my inner power that all humans possess is given away to a nebulous god or to societal roles.  I have become simply myself.  I would love to be a part of the earth, but the earth is put together in a completely different form than who I am.  I suppose I could split myself into pieces again and become what society wants people to be so that I could feel as if I belong.  Belonging could possibly make me feel less lonely.  But in doing that I have to be less than I am.  I have, through much work, come to know who I am, and that is nothing less than a beautiful sharing caring talented intelligent open human being.  I have nothing to hide, and my energy is not wasted in trying to be someone who isn’t really me.  It’s so strange that people don’t understand someone like me.  I’ve been called different, dependent, insecure.  Different because I actually think and face the truth about society’s ridiculous deceptions and power systems that suck the lifeblood out of humans, dependent because I think that OPEN communication is a necessity between men and women and all human beings, insecure because I won’t accept inferior treatment.   I am kicked out of mainstream society because I am a threat to power systems.  I won’t be less than I am, no matter what the cost.  I always wonder what I’m going to do next, now that I’ve arrived in this place.  At this point somehow the days fill up with things to do and people to see to, even if some days it’s only sales clerks at the grocery store.  I find fun interactions wherever I go.  One of my songs that I wrote 8 years ago says “I only know that my soul will find the rest of the path, and I have freedom……”  Of course, that’s definitely not satisfying to the ego me, the part of me that would love to have some security on this journey, but the bigger and better part of me is the one who is in control.  You see, I AM controlled, not by a society and earth who would like me to be less than, but by the beautiful part of me who wants the absolute best for me and for all humans, the part of me who is TRUTH and PURE LOVE.  That part of me can be trusted.  Society has miserably failed me, but I, that is-the real I, has been guiding me all along so that I can grow into a FULL GLORIOUS human being.  Of course that deeply frightens the control systems of earth.  I’ve come way too far down this path to stop now.  For anyone who says that I’m dependent and insecure, my answer is that I am the most opposite of that than any human being on this earth.  It takes GREAT COURAGE and STRENGTH to walk the path of truth and to know the truth of one’s own soul, and then to actually live fully in that truth.  I am given unbelievable aid in walking on this road, but it is only aid, and I myself have to do the work and make the hard decisions to not accept inferior treatment.  I have so much love and fun and joy to give and share with anyone who knows how to be respectful and real and doesn’t try to play unreal games that are diminishing to me.  I wait for people to join me in this place of true beauty and wholeness.

WOW!  I just watched the reuniting of the two freed American journalists with their families.  Many tears.  The hugs and love were incredible to watch.  I cried for their joy and relief, and I also cried for my own sadness over the tsunami that has happened in my life.  If I left or returned, there is no one who would cry over my leaving or hug me if I returned.  It’s so strange.  I have moved out of the land of pain and war and hurt into the land of love and unity and oneness, but that moving has caused me to be all alone, without family and society.  I have, with great effort and many many steps, left the land of codependency and moved into the land of health.  I am totally unable to move back.  If I even get around people who try to use me and hurt me, I feel great grief, and find tears rolling down my face.  I have an unstoppable visceral reaction.  That, I know, is healthy self protection.  The life that I now live is one that comes to me on a daily basis.  I never know if it will continue because I have nothing other than myself and life in the moment to depend on.  I must say that I understand why people accept less than the best and  treatment that diminishes them, because I know that it takes great strength and courage to stand alone and live in truth and be the full beauty of a whole human being.  I, though, can do no less than stand in the sunshine of my true self, no matter what the cost.  Again, as always, I believe that somehow we are all one and that there is always the possibility that one person’s courage can change the world, not by cheap talk of what we should do, but by actually BEING the change.