I have entered a world of deep silence.  I have been terrified of this place since I was a small child.  I have ALWAYS known that if I didn’t in some way try my best to hold onto people, that there would be no one at all.  So I, in some ways, even clung to people.  I married the wrong person, knowing full well that he was the wrong person, just so that I could have a life like other people.  I tried to keep doing things for my sons so that I could continue to be their mother.  Etc, etc in every relationship.  I have stopped trying, and have entered the place that brought me such terror.  Isolation.  But that only means that I’ve left smallness and entered the vastness of all time and space.  In this space all of the cells of my body self can shed the violence of this earth way of living and being.  It is as if the center of the earth is a magnet that pulls the ego into sameness and smallness and blindness and braindeadness———.  I have escaped the clutches of the magnet and am flying free in a new space, even though the cost is very great.  My cells and DNA can fully and completely learn a new and better way.  I can become entirely new and shining and complete.  I can’t wait————-What if a beautiful new human being could become a magnet to pull the world to a higher more fulfilling way of living.  Just a thought——————-

This morning I woke up and felt as if I no longer existed.  I felt it strongly.  Being the deep thinker that I am, I began to analyze why I felt this way.  I’m sitting here right now with the realization of how wonderful this is and of how far I’ve come to have arrived at this destination.  I am becoming so fully connected to the real me, and that real me is what connects to the real souls of everyone on earth.  I am becoming more and more “disidentified” with the ego me.  Everyday I’m struck with the realization of how fortunate I am!  I know that all of my loved ones who won’t speak to me now are simply identifying with the ego part of themselves and not the real person.  They are being far less than human.   One of my sons once told me that he went deep into himself during a massage therapy class, and I was at the center.  Whenever I have the RARE opportunity of connecting with my other son, a love that is almost touchable connects us.  The man that I often speak of has a spirit who loves me and wants to be with me more than anything else.  Another man I know is my true brother, and the old man is my dearest friend.  A woman who takes lessons from me is my sister.  When a member of my family stopped at my house this summer after twenty years of separation, the love between us was so strong that we cried.  ALL of these people do not live life through the truth of who they really are.  The men all think of me through the eyes of their ego, and see me as a sex object and treat me that way.  My family members are lost in a cultish religion, and they think that they have to protect themselves from me.  The woman who is my sister is tied to a very controlling husband.  I don’t know what’s wrong with my sons.  Their eyes are blind.  I remain alone in the land of love and truth.  I have moved completely away from trying to be what these people think of me as or want from me, but I so clearly see that, if everyone would be who they really are in their deepest hearts, the love in my own life would be so powerful that my human body could barely contain it all.  Instead I live in my house in isolation, wondering where this is all leading.

I’m finding myself growing step by step, day by day.  It has seemed so sad and difficult to leave the small narrow life of an individual ego.  The ego fights hard to maintain control.  I always say that I’m the lucky one to have been rejected and isolated.  I went through periods of great grief with the gradual loss of everyone whom I have ever loved.  I know that I’m moving into a universal perspective.  OMG!  That is such a wonderful place to be.  It is above the smallness of the earth.  Egos fight each other and are jealous and secretive and controlling.  They do everything possible to maintain sameness and group identity.  My deepest desire is to have others begin to join me here in a higher place where everyone is talented and equal and beautiful and whole.  Everyone has a gift and something to offer.  Everyone has something contained within him/herself that can both make that individual feel happy and contented and can help others.  Society is built on greed, on bigger and better, on glitter and falseness.  Why can’t we begin to find the treasures that lie within each unique person instead of trying to find it in bigger houses or fancier cars or whatever.  Of course progress is always nice.  We are no longer cave people living primitive lives, but we can learn to find so much happiness from finding the beautiful undeveloped treasures and passions that lie within each person.  Yes, I am the lucky one, albeit always wishing that I could see where my growth is leading.

  I have been so troubled all of my life because people reject me.  Actually, I’ve been more confused than troubled.  But I’m looking at people now, and I’m thinking, “But who are these people who are rejecting me.  Are they really people”.  See, what I’m saying is more like, “Who would people be if they were just pure people.”  Earth peoople are a conglomeration of family, society, heredity, teaching, programming.  If a body grew up in another time or place, they wouldn’t be the same person at all, because they would be a different conglomeration of all of the above.  What if we were just the pure souls that we really are.  I am rejected by the various societies and teachings, not by the souls of people.  You see, I have awakened the souls of quite a few people and had DELIGHTFUL conversations that were real and deep and satisfying.  The unfortunate thing is that these souls were all controlled and owned by human bodies, and the bodies shut off their soul communication with me because they were actually beginning to use their brains to think truth.  And if they allowed that to happen, then they would be just like me and be outside of human society and systems and be rejected.  I am the lucky one.  I’ve never been accepted, and I can’t get back into society now because I so fully see the fallacies of all the control systems.  Which would I choose to try to build myself to fit into.  Not possible!  So the real soul me, who is trapped inside a body, is sitting up here in a profusion of flowers wondering what’s next.  I’m sure anyone who reads this thinks that I’m completely retarded, but most people have not been utterly rejected by everyone.  If people have been rejected, they do one of several things.  They find a different society to rebuild themselves into, they become horrendously embittered, they commit suicide, etc.  I have chosen none of those options.  In my beautiful space I dream of an incredible new world filled with whole soul people.  They are open and connected.  There are no divisions of gender, race, religion, nationality, etc.  Love is everywhere in a space like this.  The feelings of fullness and connection cannot be expressed in limited human language.  There are no words for bitterness, anger, war, control.  We even have to invent new words to describe the awesomeness of this way of living………………………

I saw “Wicked” last night.  It was wonderfully fantastic!  Of course, I identified with it in so many ways.  Elphaba, the green unloved ”witch”, was trying to help the animals get their voices back, and in doing so, she had to defy the rules of Oz.  The Wizard explained to her that he was actually a nobody, but the people needed somebody to believe in and be their leader, so he built his whole elaborate thing, albeit built on lies.  He gave Elphaba the choice of joining him, and her response was that she would if the animals could have their voices back.  Since that would change all the rules, it couldn’t be done, so Elphaba became a hunted outcast………… One of her big songs, “Defying Gravity”, really stood out to me.  It’s what I’m doing………”I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game.  Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep.  It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.  It’s time to try defying gravity. ……and you can’t pull me down……Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love….I guess I’ve lost.  Well, if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost…….”  I’ve been writing daily about this.  I’ve already lost everyone, and if I try to talk about my feelings to anyone, they just become angry with me.  In the end, Elphaba had to go and hide outside of society and could never come back.  Except that the scarecrow went with her, so she wasn’t alone.  I am out here alone.  Like I said before, the spirit of a certain man used to be out here with me, but he utterly refuses to live by the rules of this beautiful place where everyone is respected and cared about equally.  In this space we don’t try to please the false rules of society.  We live by the rules of truth and honesty and openness.  People on earth are so horrendously busy running around doing mindless things, and they don’t take the time to think.  Thinking would make things change because people would finally open up their blind eyes and deaf ears and see the crazy pointless dead and hurtful lives that they are living.  Of course, pretty much everyone hated Elphaba and said that she was wicked, but, in truth, Elphaba saw and stood for what was real.  She was shunned as I am.  No one is going to pull me back into the hurtful ways of society, no matter what the cost.  Isolation and finding my own way alone has been the cost, but I am STRONG and becoming stronger!

I just read a news article about women in a certain Middle Eastern country.  It said that ninety percent of them are abused and many die from the abuse.  It doesn’t even matter because they are “property”, so if they’re raped, the women are the ones in trouble, not the men.  OK.  So I am an American.  I have been fired from two well paying church gigs because the ministers tried to get sexual with me, and I totally resisted and even told a couple of people.  I was fired for “insubordination”, trying to turn the people against the minister.  A lawyer told me I had to have proof.  The people turned their heads, knowing full well what was going on, but they didn’t want to “cause trouble”.  I was kicked out of my family because I can’t believe crap about God and Jesus.  The man that I speak of everyday actually thought that I would be his property that he could come and poke on his timetable.  He was going to take advantage of the fact that our spirits were, on a deep level, very much in love.  On and on and on I have repeatedly experienced the same trashing that these Middle Eastern women experience when I didn’t obey the “rules” and put myself down to be what these various people wanted me to be.  I, a so-called free American woman, have had a lifetime of this kind of treatment.  That is the very reason that I stand outside of society in my own beautiful space.  I am a beautiful person, and I fully know that.  I only need to be treated with respect and dignity, and I will pour the beauty of my inner self on whoever wants it.  But for some very strange reason that I can’t comprehend, no one wants to treat me with this respect.  I have been  TRASHED.  So I’m not in a funk.  I have made my own life in this beautiful garden space.  Everyday I fill my life with beautiful nature and art and my work.  I don’t go down into depression.  If no one wants the beauty and love that I have to offer, then I myself will fully enjoy that beauty.  It’s not so bad.  I’m getting stronger everyday in this space.  You might ask why I have no real women friends.  Most women I know are still, at the deeper levels, trying to hide their deepest inner beauty, so that they can keep on living life with men.  They get angry with me, because somehow, just by being me, they begin to examine what they’re doing, and they don’t want to do that.  It might mean isolation like I have to face.  And so me myself and I continue to grow more beautiful and real, because now there is no one to stop this from happening.  Damn, I wish I knew where this is leading and how much longer I can continue.  Day by day and step by step……………….

I am growing by leaps and bounds lately, now that I’ve let go of my sadness over the fact that no one except my own beautiful spirit loves me.  Or maybe it’s more like I’m learning to love her more than all the fickle people who only want what they can get from me and then trash me the second I ask for equality.  My mother was a very abusive woman.  She wanted one thing only, and that was to control me and own me and keep me down.  For example, when I started really growing as a pianist, she made me stop taking piano lessons so that I wouldn’t be better than her.  She said that I couldn’t go to college, but I wouldn’t let her stop me from that.  But at this moment, she is surrounded with family and “loved” one, others that she has sucked life out of.  She is weak, and the others are weak.  They are partial people who are trying to get wholeness and strength by taking it from each other and using each other.  They are unable to stand alone, even though they feel much paior numbness in being together.  This is why I continually see that I’m the only lucky one.  Absolutely everyone has let me know that I’m nobody at all to them if they can’t use me and take energy from me.  I would still be allowing that so that I could have a life if there were any rewards at all for me, but the lack of reciprocal love has been PROFOUND in my life.  I think again of the man whose spirit I could see so clearly.  His spirit absolutely LOVED being with me, but when he came in the actual physical body, he either insisted that I have sex on demand and nothing else at all or he asked me for money.  My sons used to call me and tell me about themselves and then ask for money.  When I wanted to be cared about for me and not just what they could get from me, they gradually dropped me out of their lives altogether.  When I no longer shared my families very narrow religious beliefs, they cut me out of their lives completely.  The same thing happened with friends.  I do have a couple of friends who will give me a very small amount of time, but it can’t be much at all or it will take away from the small boxes of safety that they live in.  I am living, but I now live “outside” of life.  So in this place I am learning to receive ALL, and I mean ALL, love from myself alone.  I am no longer sad and depressed about this.  I no longer feel as if I’m less than other people because no one loves me or includes me.  I know that my beautiful whole spirit has far more to offer me than all that petty small demanding and using society has to offer.  I know that living life from this point of view of wholeness within myself is what I want more than anything.  If I ever am fortunate enough to have relationships of any sort again in the future, they will not be like past relationships at all.  First of all I will know fully and completely that I can stand alone and be fulfilled, so if people treat me as they did in the past, I can easily walk away.  I know that when the man I speak of was at my house last winter and only wanted to use me for sex with no loving or sharing/caring time, I realized that he had nothing at all to offer me that makes my life more happy than it already is.  In fact, his attitude toward me made me cry.  Why do I need ANYONE AT ALL in my life if people only make me cry.  I know now that I’m beautiful beyond compare and I have so much to offer people.  In the past I gave myself freely.  I’m self contained now.  Yes, I would LOVE to be a flowing waterfall of love to people, a person who makes life more beautiful and loving for others, but so far, no one has eyes to see what wholeness means.  So it’s either continue to become stronger in myself alone, or commit suicide.  So far I choose the first alternative.

I continue to be deeply grateful for the pain of my earth life that has caused me to walk to a much higher level of consciousness.  The thing that is so frustrating is having to be locked inside the darkness of a human brain, as if it’s a trap, and always having to search and question and discover where I’m going, instead of just knowing.  It all seems much clearer in the mornings.  Even though I have no earth ties anymore, I still have busy workdays and many random happenings.  Everyday is a teacher, and every morning I am able to process what I was taught the day before.  I am reading a book, still not very far into it, that is talking about the difference between humans and souls.  Humans are full of secrets and are separate and blocked from each other.  Souls are wide open.  They know without talking and have no secrets and nothing to hide.  Souls aren’t lonely, because they are all part of the network of minds.  WOW!  That explains so much to me.  I am a soul.  I see myself as a soul, and I have been UTTERLY confused as to why humans treat me badly, use me, don’t let me know them.  Humans are so separated from their souls.  Since I am such a soul person, I have had many different people connect to their souls when they are around me, but they’ve all rejected it and me and left.  I used to always be looking to see who was coming.  I used to clearly see the man that I’ve mentioned.  But I’m not looking anymore.  I only see me everyday becoming more and more my soul.  I can’t wait………….but I have to wait for the step by step growth.  Soul is love, and the scales have tipped towards love.

As I’m becoming more contented in living with myself and the treasures that I have to offer to me, I look around.  I see everyone running around in endless circles, accomlishing nothing really, doing everything possible to not see and feel the meaninglessness of their lives.  I have had many people pass through my life who are able to either channel a spirit or, for a short time in my presence, become their real spirit.  It’s so exciting and rewarding to speak from that level.  The man that I speak of, his spirit was from that level. — But every one of these people REJECT their beautiful spirits and return to the mundane circular earth life.  That life of making money, losing money, making surface friends, going to endless parties and ballgames and whatever they do, and then dying brings no satisfaction to the real person.  I, alone, am working on BECOMING my beautiful spirit.  WHAT AN INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY I HAVE!!!!!  I am no longer bemoaning the fact that I don’t have family or true friends.  OMG!  This morning I feel as if I’m bonked over the head with the fortunate tsunami that took away my earth life.  Of course, I’m still having to maintain my life with my students and my little church gig, but I’m not woven in to anyone anymore.  I’m only becoming more woven to myself.  The only thing that pisses me off and makes this hard is that it all happens day by day and step by step, and I can’t see ahead of time where I’m going or where the next step is.  I do see that absolutely everyday I’m getting stronger and stronger on this road.

Yesterday I was very privileged to get to play music at the wedding of two gay men.  These two men were one of the six couples who sued the state of Iowa so that gays could have the same privileges as straights.  Tears rolled down my face as I strongly felt the joy and happiness of these two men and of all the other gay people who were at the wedding.  It was very beautiful.  This Apache blessing was read: “Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be a shelter for the other.  Now you will feel no cold,for each of you will be warmth to the other.  Now there is no loneliness for you; for you both there is no more loneliness.  Now you are two bodies, but there is only one life before you…………”

I admit that I am in a COMPLETELY different space than they are.  For me it’s as if all ties to the earth and relationships have been severed, and I’m out here in the universe flying alone, but yet growing stronger and stronger every day.  And I’m finally on the other side of crying about this.  It is no longer a dilemma.  Absolutely EVERYONE I know is limited and defined by the relationships they are in.  A long time ago I did a past life regression.  In the last part of it I went between lives.  I walked into a large building which was filled with people who all clapped because I had come home.  Then I looked to my right, and there was a man in a dark suit with burning eyes, who told everyone to move away from me.  Then he told me to look around me and observe the light that was equidistant around my body.  He said, “Your task in your next lifetime is to stand in that light until you fully know who you are”.  That is where I am right now.  I’ve finally made it to the center of the light, and I’m learning everyday more about who I am.  The songs that I’ve written in the past talk about relationships, but they are new world relationships.  They would, of course, have to be with other people who are standing in their own light and know themselves.  These people would have nothing to prove.  The purpose of relationships would be for sharing at deep levels, thereby coming to know your ownself better.  There would be nothing to hide.  I suppose surface talk would have to go on somewhat, but sharing and caring would come from deeper levels, because you’re not afraid of yourself.  Having already lost what people cling to and having gained yourself, you can’t really lose.  You just keep growing and sharing.  Most everyone that I try to talk with now has areas of unexplored darkness within themselves, parts of themselves that they hide and don’t even want to know.  Sharing at a deep level starts to probe into those areas, and they run.  The man that I mention every once in a while said to me once that he spent (very little) time around me because we are both out there together.  That was very confusing to me, because if we were both out here, why was he so utterly afraid to be real, even to me.  Why did he present a false persona to me.  I am open and honest and real and courageous.  He was hidden and deeply fearful and falsely aggressive.  Honest sharing, from the heart, is the number one characteristic of this space that is located out of the way of earth’s tentacles and webs.  I have to keep moving forward to totally become this person, even though I can’t see anyone else behind me.  A TRUE leader becomes the space that he/she is leading others to.  That person doesn’t just point the way or make it a mental exercise.  I teach music from my own playing and musicianship and experience…………….I have to be fully free and whole before I can really teach.