Today I feel as if I’m making my final surrender to my own aloneness.  The stray cells that have been left on the earth as I’ve made this difficult climb to my own self have been brought back to me.  I have absolved everyone of all responsibility.  I have wished and searched and gone for anything that looked vaguely similar to love on the earth, but I fully realize now that there is no love for me out there.  I am not in any way saying this to feel sorry for myself.  I have spent a lifetime testing, and EVERY TIME it lands in the same place.  I am pushed out.  No one wants what I have to give and no one wants me in their lives.  Of course my students definitely want what I have to offer them and pay me money for my services.  But outside of that I am excluded and pushed out.  All the fight that was left in me to be a valued member of earth society has surrendered and given up.  I remain alone in my land of beauty and love until whatever may happen.

I continue on my journey of finding all completion and fulfillment from within myself alone.  I had a chat over lunch with someone yesterday about this topic.  Her response was that it is unnatural to want to be complete alone without other human beings, that it is not a normal human way of being.  She is absolutely right.  This is extremely painful for me to go down this road, because it’s done from the point of view of having been rejected by every human being that I’ve tried to go to for support and friendship and help.  I have had NO CHOICE BUT TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD.  My response to her was that the world is made up of people who have given away their souls to try to fit into and belong to something other than their own true selves.  I really believe that the world would run on a whole different course if we could all fully and truly be who we REALLY are.  Of course what person even knows who he/she really is.  We’re all so busy trying to fit into a TRULY FUCKED UP WORLD!  So my own rejection experiences have forced me to search into who I really am.  And now I’m working on FULLY BECOMING my true self.  We can talk about what would make a better world from morning to night.  Someone has to BE THE CHANGE WITHIN THEIR OWN BEING.  “Be the change that you want in the world”.  My own life situation gives me nowhere to turn but to myself.  Myself is a beautiful person on the inside with huge amounts to give.  HUGE!  But first I must TRULY be me!

I continue on the only path that is set before me.  I am forced by outward circumstances to become fully solid within myself, compacted and completely one with myself.  It seems to me that in the past all my cells were spread out everywhere.  People used all the parts of me and didn’t care about me at all.  I have been on a long journey of bringing those cells back to myself alone.  OMG!  The journey has been so difficult and painful.  I feel as if only a few cells are left out there, but it’s difficult to bring those back and make them stick because in doing so I have become compacted and me alone.  I know I’ve written songs about becoming complete within oneself.  I didn’t understand my own music when I wrote it.  Neediness forces dependence, and any form of dependence causes one person to be less than the other.  The one thing that I’ve always wanted more than anything is equal friendships, but even wanting those friendships at all causes me to be dependent on another person to give that to me.  The only way that I can be independent and have no form of dependence is to fully be my own equal friend and find ways to meet my need for friendship from myself alone.  I’m gettin’ there………to the place where my dear friend is ME.

The days are difficult.  Everyday, step by step, every cell of my ego is being driven into my essence.  My cells WANT to go to the outer world.  They want to give and receive love and happiness.  But this is not given to me.  The love that I have to offer, the beauty that is the real me is chronically rejected by the earth.  The earth wants something other than what I am.  Another student of mine has gotten in on the psychic thing that happens to people who get around me.  He says that he can enter my kingdom for a short time, but he cannot stay here.  When he leaves my house, he goes back to the earth.  He loves to come here, and I have to ask him to leave.  He says that my kingdom is eternal.  I asked him to tell me how he knows that.  He just is able to feel and know who I am when he comes inside my house.  And so I continue to grow into the essence of this beautiful place.  If I received any love at all from the outside world, a stray cell would run to that place, and I wouldn’t be whole and complete inside the essence of the true reality.  In that sense I am deeply grateful that there is no love or acceptance on the earth for me.  I am only given enough to get through a given day.  I think that I must be pushing forward to become a new creation.

I find myself daily growing into a new place.  All sources of love and support outside of myself are cut off.  I know beyond a doubt that my inner self  is FORCING me to learn the hardest lesson that I’ve ever learned.  I KNOW beyond a doubt that this is the most FANTASTIC lesson that I could ever learn.  I am slowly and surely learning to find ALL satisfaction, solace and confirmation from within myself alone.  Throughout this journey I have been given MANY outside sources of learning and aid.  I have been told unbelievable information from numerous readers.  A nine year old student told me how to build my new garden planet.  A ten year old student told me  earlier that I couldn’t quit, that I was doing amazing work, and it would all fall apart if I quit.  Over and over again this has happened to me.  Now it’s time for me to step away from the outside sources and aid and to stand fully alone on my own two feet in this new place.  I feel afraid, but I feel strength welling up inside me.  My inner self will not allow me to have any relationships outside of myself, because she wants EVERY CELL OF ME to be fully and totally grounded and enmeshed with her.  In order to live on the earth, she gives me some work, students, and occasionally someone to hang out with, but at this point, she wants me to fully learn this lesson.  I have fought against it so much.  It is dreadfully painful to live on the earth and be rejected by everyone, especially when I know I am a beautiful person with so much to give.  I do understand, though, that my life is purposeful in teaching me to fully love myself and be related to myself before all others.  I don’t know where this is leading me.  I can only follow the path that my soul lays out and surrender to her.  I see no god or Jesus or anybody at all leading me and asking me to surrender.  I only see my huge beautiful self teaching my small ego self to surrender to her.  A song I wrote ten years ago says, ” I only know that my soul will find the rest of the path, and I have freedom to be all that I am……………”  I don’t even know what this means yet.  I only walk where I’m led.  My soul has had to lead me slowly because it’s really hard to live on the earth and let go of everything and everybody and learn to love me alone.  I don’t really think that in the end it will be just me alone, but, at this point, I’m learning full obedience and surrender.  At this point, anytime I reach outside of myself to try to make a friend, I am constantly and deeply disappointed.  That drives me back to me, the place where I’m meant to be.  All I can say is to stay tuned for the next episode.

Strangest thing happened today.  I went to a store to look for a new ring.  I only wear autumn colors because I look like pure crap in pink or black or whatever.  So anyhow, they kept showing me purple stones, etc.  Then one of the ladies wanted to know if I wear black at all.  When I said I don’t, the other lady got really angry and yelled out, “She’s a musician.  They are strong willed and have minds of their own.  They don’t listen to what anybody tells them”.  All I could think of was that I wasn’t bothering her or trying to force my colors on her or anything.  I personally don’t like the dark circles and gray skin that I have when I put on black.  That’s fully and totally my business, and I’m not hurting anyone at all.  You see, I’m becoming stronger and more complete within myself everyday, step by step.  I’m finding the things that I like to do, and I’m happier than I used to be when I do these things by myself.  When I try to have much contact with people, they act like I’m bothering them, taking up their time, or they’re downright angry with me, or they want to use me or control me without giving anything in return.  What choice do I have if I’m going to remain on the earth but to find ALL of my happiness from within myself alone.  So pieces of me that still want to cling to one-sided earth friendships are letting go.  I see myself climbing up a rope to myself alone.  I, myself, live in a most beautiful garden, so this world that I have created is where my happiness and fulfillment has to come from.  I deeply long for my beautiful inner self to be my only best friend.  I want to clearly hear her voice and live in harmony and peace with her.  I want to know and feel that SHE IS ALL I REALLY NEED.

I continue the difficult journey to become full and complete within myself.  The biggest thing for me to overcome is my sadness and anger over the rejection of my family towards me.  I know that I’m way down the road to becoming all things to myself alone.  I have always been a codependent giver.  I still have huge amounts inside of me to give, but it’s all bottled up and tucked away somewhere deep in my heart.  I feel confusion as I try to mentally work things out, but I know that confusion means that the old way is breaking up and the new way is not fully formed.  I know that one morning I will wake up and be standing on more solid ground.  I KNOW beyond a doubt that my task is to become fully solid and complete within myself, so that people outside me just add to the happiness and joy that I already have, and if they don’t, then they just have to stay away.  I don’t need downers any more than is absolutely necessary on this road.  Every day I strain forward to become more of this solid whole person.

My 60th birthday is very close.  If I tell that to anyone, they are shocked.  People who don’t know me guess me at 35 or  40, and they tell me that I must really take good care of myself.  Some say, “Oh, you’re just saying that”.  My response is, “Why the hell would I say that”?  I do work really hard to maintain youthfulness, both in thought and looks.  I dress young and act young.  Why do I do this when there isn’t a single person who cares.  I’ve been stripped of earthly roles: mother, wife, christian, daughter, sister, neice…..everything.  I’m nothing on earth, nothing and nobody at all.  But that leaves me totally free to be my essence.  My essence is young, full of life and beauty, fun loving.  I get off my ground when I try to identify again in an earthly role, so I sort of have to keep my distance from people as I’m growing this essence person.  What if we could all know who we really are, and we could relate to each other through the beauty of who realness.  WOW!  The world wouldn’t be divided and combative and all the things that it is right now.  It would be such a beautiful place.  I have no idea why people are afraid of me and misunderstand me.  I’m simple and beautiful and full of love.  Earth people can’t comprehend.  That deeply hurts me.  I am determined to keep walking forward, though, no matter what the cost.

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me.  I am a mother, and in the past I poured my very essence into my sons.  I rarely see or hear from them now.  My faraway son called and said he was bringing his girlfriend to meet family and friends here.  I’ve kind of buried the vast  consuming love that I have for him because if I try to call him, he doesn’t answer or call back.  If I see him in person, I always manage to say the wrong thing, and then it’s a year before I hear from him again.  I feel so terrified that I’ve already said the wrong thing, and he won’t even stop at my house and introduce his girlfriend to me when he’s here.  My other son lives close, and I do have lunch with him occasionally.  He also has a girlfriend who has no desire to know me or spend any time at all with me.  I lost the ground of who I am for a short time yesterday.  I’ve spent a great deal of effort walking to a new place where I am a beautiful real person.  In this place I am deeply loved, but it’s me loving me alone.  This is where I have to stay.  I am on the earth, but I find no love out there at all.  None.  I know I need to becoming totally strong and complete in this space, because the love here is so clean and beautiful and pure and sunny.  It’s totally real and unpretentious and relaxing.  I want to fully become this love, so that it flows out of me like the waterfall here beside my blog.  That waterfall is big and strong.  Nothing will stop it.  It’s almost as if I will fully become center, at least of my own life.  It won’t matter if no one loves me, because I have ALL the love I need coming from me.  So people, any people, even my sons whom I deeply love, can come and go, and I won’t fall apart if they have nothing to give back to me.  This kind of love is very gentle and has to be protected as it grows.  It’s also like the gentlest of flowers.  It is my task to keep growing and becoming this person.

My student who read for me last week said that a small flower is growing up in the center of me as I am alone and isolated in my beautiful little house.  She said that, although I am very strong, yet I am very fragile at the same time.  It is my strength that is protecting this flower of realness and beauty, my true essence.   People in the outer world are insensitive and using.  Everyone develops a hard shell of protection around themselves, and they aren’t their real selves.  I am so becoming my real self, but I realize that it’s terribly unsafe out there.  I can’t reconcile the two worlds yet.  I KNOW who I am, but when I try to relate to people, they treat me in ways that are hurtful to the gentle flower of who I really am.  It’s not everyone else’s problem.  It’s my problem.  How do I become fully real and still live on the earth.  At this point I don’t know the answer.  I only know that I’m not going to stop becoming real.