I am now living inside the realization that I am not wanted or needed on the earth.  I am living quietly in my own land of beauty.  How do I even write or talk about this way of living.  All of my life I have tried to be a part of the earth.  It got to the point where I realized I wasn’t wanted or loved, so I just kept doing things with people just so that I would feel as if I had a life.  I have now given that up.  I am entertaining myself with books, movies, walks, bike rides, concerts, shopping, and students.  The deep abiding sadness that was always a part of every fiber, every cell, of my being is being replaced with a quiet sort of peace.  It’s in the total surrender to the fact that I am not loved or wanted by anyone, that there is no place on earth for me, that I begin to find peace and total love from within myself alone.  It’s in bringing all the stray cells back to myself and making myself into a fully cohesive whole that I begin, for the first time in all eternity, to find love and acceptance.  My garden IS love.  I don’t know what’s going to happen to the world that I used to care so much about, but had to leave because they didn’t want me.  I don’t know what’s next.  I see clearly that trying to please a world who does nothing to try to please me has not done anything but brought me pain and depression.  Step by step I continue the journey to finding and being love.